Pikmin, Tales of the Extreme
by Great Thumbs of Wisdom
Summary: Sometimes, you just have to bet on Duke. Or in this case... one hell of an epic crash. It's time for a COMEBACK.
1. the price is wrong!

**PIKMIN: TALES OF THE EXTREME**

_My first comedy. It's a break from my other story, PIKMIN: THE SOUTH. I'll return to that in a few days._

_Anyway, I don't own Pikmin or anything like that. So don't sue me._

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There was once an orange Pikmin named Smee. He had two stalks, one growing out of each shoulder, and was obsessed with anything that had to do with Olimar.

One day, while Smee was sitting on a rock near a pond, he saw a fish. However, it was a very large fish, unlike the fish he usually saw. So Smee waded out into the water to see what type of fish it was. Much to Smee's surprise, it was the S.S. Dolphin!

"OMG!" cried Smee, waving his arms around and splashing water everywhere.

Smee quickly scrambled to the shore and dashed off to find his friends. When he brought everyone back, however, there was no more S.S. Dolphin. One of Smee's friends, being a blue Pikmin, dived beneath the surface to see what was going on. The water was very clear, and the blue Pikmin did not see the S.S. Dolphin anywhere.

Afterwards, everybody knew Smee as "The Dolphin Guy."

Two years later, Smee was throwing rocks out into the pond. Suddenly, he spotted a fish. It was... the S.S. Dolphin! Smee quickly went to get his friends, and managed to get most of them to follow him.

Of course, the S.S. Dolphin was nowhere to be found.

Afterwards, everybody knew Smee as "Mr. Eyes-Go-Twitch-Twitch."

And nobody ever spoke to him again.

Finally, thirteen years later, Smee, who was now very old, returned to the pond. And, wouldn't you know, there was the S.S. Dolphin! Eager to touch it, Smee waded out into the water. Soon, he was standing just out of arm's reach of the fabled ship. He took a step forward, arm outstretched... and fell off an embankment. The only people ever to see Smee again were the fish.

And, of course, the fishies ate him.

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Mongol was a yellow Pikmin. It was said that he was a genius. He went around talking about "Atoms" and "Quarks," and "Einsteins Theory of Relativity." Since nobody knew what the heck these things were, Mongol was said to be more crazy than smart. It didn't help that one of his eyes was bigger than the other.

This all changed, however, when aliens came down from outer space with bullets and guns and attack-copters and tanks. They rounded up the Pikmin and made them slaves.

After a while, Mongol managed to escape. He created a superior weapon, which he called "The Lancer," and began to work on other inventions.

One year later, Mongol returned, heavily armed and fully armored in a metal-suit so bulky, it made him look like a yellow Olimar. He carried his Lancer, a surplus of GOW-Grenades and a bayonet attachment for his Lancer that he called "a chainsaw."

Needless to say, Mongol was blown to smithereens.

Spurred on by Mongol's show of stupidity, the remaining Pikmin...

...The remaining Pikmin decided never to mount another rebellion. Ever.

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There once was an albino Bulbmin named Gumth. Due to his particularly dangerous skin-affliction, Gumth was never allowed to go outside. He was forced to stay in his cave for all his life.

Wishing to see the fabled Sun, Gumth decided it was time to act.

For three months, Gumth worked on a series of products to cure his albino-ism. He created sunscreen, and went outside with it. He was burned black and carried back inside his cave.

Then Gumth used his pigmentation-process to give himself the proper skin tone. When he went outside, his pigments screamed and all ran away. Gumth was burnt black and carried back inside his cave.

Finally, Gumth used his greatest invention: the Ice-Bomb. He launched it out into space to get rid of the harmful light, and stepped outside.

Unfortunately, Gumth's ice-bomb had destroyed the sun and everybody froze to death.

Reportedly, Gumth's last words were: "Oh, the irony."

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Bug'umblo was a Spotty Bulborb. He liked to eat Pikmin. From the zesty (some might say spicy) red Pikmin, to the melt-in-the-mouth blue Pikmin, to the super-sour yellow Pikmin.

Bug'umblo became a famous chef, known the world over for his ultra-tasty Pikmin recipes.

One day, Bug'umblo heard the news that white and purple Pikmin had been discovered.

Bug'umblo said to himself, "I will find these new Pikmin, and I will eat them. For this is my destiny."

And Bug'umblo set off.

First, he ventured into the Submerged Castle and worked his way to the Final Floor. He somehow managed to miss the Ivory Candypop-Bud in the cave (but, of course, it was on break at the time, so, meh).

Bug'umblo braved fire, tsunamis, Wollywogs, Firey-Bulblaxes and Waterwraiths to find the Final Floor.

Finally, finding the purple Pikmin, Bug'umblo said, "I will eat you now, for it has taken me many moons to find you."

And, of course, he ate the purple Pikmin.

It was like an explosion for the taste-buds, Bug'umblo later said. So oily, so sweaty, so smelly... they were perfect for his Pikmin-Garlic sauce recipe. And they were good.

Next, Bug'umblo ventured into the White Flower Garden. He managed to reach the sublevel on which the white Pikmin were located.

Bug'umblo braved tiny bugs, musty smells and mothballs to reach the Final Floor.

Finally, finding the white Pikmin, Bug'umblo said, "I will eat you now, for it has taken me many short cat-naps to find you."

And, of course, he ate the white Pikmin.

And, of course, he died of Pikmin-food-poisoning. :)

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Once, long, long ago, there was a race of Pikmin. They were colored Pink. One of them, a male, got sick and tired of being called "Pinky," and "Girly" by all the other masculine-colored Pikmin.

This male Pink Pikmin, named, sadly, Plinko, decided to embark on a great journey to find the only person who could change him into a masculine-colored Pikmin.

That person was Bob Barker, host of _The Price is Right _television show.

Plinko followed the Lonely, Winding, Overly-long Path up to into Much-Snowia. Once in these fabled, snowy mountains, Plinko changed his course to go north.

Soon, Plinko had crossed Much-Snowia.

After travelling for many days in the Razzberry Forest, Plinko finally came across the Desolate, Nobody's-Ever-Been-Here Swamp. He travelled across it.

Finally, near the middle of the swamp, Plink found Bob Barker, sitting on a log.

"Why, hello little Plinko," said Bob, picking up the little Pink Pikmin and holding him in his palm. "I have been waiting for you."

"What must I do, oh Omni-Present and Wise, Wrinkly Old Man?" asked Plinko.

"You must play a game..." said Bob Barker. "A game that nobody else has ever won... A game that, if won, wil--"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," sighed Plinko, "I get it, I get it."

Bob gave a HARUMPH, and continued. "If won, this game will change you into... a purple Pikmin, the manliest-colored Pikmin of all."

Plinko's eyes widened in awe. "A purple Pikmin? Really?"

"Yes, really!" yelled Bob.

"With hair on my armpits?"

"YES!"

There was a short pause.

"But first, you must play... PLINKO!"

The swamp suddenly gave way to a brightly-colored stage. All around were people, people and more people!

"Now," said Bob, "What are we playing for today?"

"WE'RE PLAYING FOR," came a deep, manly voice... "THE CHANCE TO BECOME A PURPLE PIKMIN!"

Plinko nearly fainted. It was just so overwhelming.

Bob quickly explained the rules. Plinko must lower himself into one of the slots and allow himself to tumble, bouncing off countless pegs. If he landed on 10,000 spot at the center of the board at the bottom, Plinko would become a purple Pikmin. But if he landed on one of the two 1,000 spots, he would become a red Pikmin. If he landed in a 500 spot, he would become a blue Pikmin. If he landed in a 50 spot, he would become a yellow Pikmin. If he landed in a 1 spot, he would become a white Pikmin. But if he landed on one of the two 0 spots... Plinko would explode.

So, climbing to the top of the ramp, Plinko lowered himself into one of the slots. The crowd began to cheer.

And then, with a scream, Plinko allowed himself to fall.

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OW

OWW!!!!

And, unfortunately, Plinko landed in a 0 spot. You know the rest.

Bob looked unimpressed. "13th person this week," he muttered.

And then, turning towards the screen, Bob said, in a low, haunting voice:

"Spaaaaaaaaade and Neeeeuuuutttttterrrrrr your Pettttttttsss..."

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_This was just a little funny story. If I get reviews for it AND my other story (PIKMIN: THE SOUTH), I might just add a few more chapters to it every now and then... you know, as a sort of sabbatical from my serious writing._

_This was all original stuff. Except the very last joke (spade and neuter your pets) which was inspired by the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson._

_R&R_


	2. submerged, dawg

_Yay! Another humorous skit for Pikmin, Tales of the Extreme!_

_DISCLAIMER: I originally had this posted at though in three parts. I did this under the penname Farmer FredJr., and I can prove it was me. HOWEVER, I do NOT own Pikmin or the Submerged Castle or anything in this story other than what I have strung up on chains outside my window (mwahahaha!). Just kidding. I own nothing other than the story._

_Read on and read, read, read! (warning: contains violence, and is at first VERY GRIM. Gets funnier later on. Don't dilly dally! Read it and laugh at parts 2 and 3!)_

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Deep, deep below the surface of the earth, beneath a vast body of water and countless waking monsters, the bloody battlefield of the Submerged Castle lay rotting. Scores of tiny bodies, torn to shreds, floating at the bottom of lakes or even flattened into a mushy paste on the ground, miniscule bones ground into the mud. Every valuable artifact in the deep underground (and underwater) cave had been taken. The countless bodies of fallen creatures now rotted on the floors of the each sublevel.

It had taken countless tries, but Olimar and Louie had finally managed to get a large contingent of purple, red, yellow and white Pikmin (and, needless to say, plenty of blues) into the cavern. However, as they went down into this hole of death, over three quarters of the non-blue Pikmin landed in the water and drowned. A few were rescued by their blue compatriots... but the terrible damage was already done.

Frightened, jittery and with little morale, the non-blues helped to gather up the treasures on this first sublevel, and many of them proved useful.

But then IT came. The MONSTER. It descended from above on a pair of stone rollers and set out on a destructive mission to kill the Pikmin and their masters. At the first glimpse of this diabolical menace, every last one of the non-blue Pikmin broke and fled, attempting to swim across the various bodies of water (but drowning), or hide from IT. The blues, though frightened and shaken, stood their ground with their Masters, and put up a brave fight. Alas, many were slain and both Olimar and Louie realized that they could not harm this"Waterwraith." Gathering what few non-blue Pikmin they could find, the Masters and Pikmin managed to escape.

For days the Waterwraith descended after and pursued its quarry. For days the Hocotains and their Pikmin remained elusive, staying in one place just long enough to gather up all the artifacts they could find or sleep within the relative safety of a crevice. The endless chase began to take its toll.

But then the Pikmin and their Masters found themselves alone, on the Final Floor. And with Violet Candypop Buds in the area as an added bonus. Their meager supply of non-blue and non-purple troops were fed to the Giant Flowers (and a few blues had to be tossed in as well), until the Hocotains had a sizeable force of purple Pikmin. They had discovered that the Waterwraith was somehow vulnerable to purple Pikmin attacks, but they had lost all but 3 of their purples trying to attack the beast.

The Waterwraith descended with a vengeance upon the ranks of the Pikmin, driving into them with a cruel hatred and utter, evil joy with its plows. No Pikmin, or Hocotain for that matter, was safe from a crushing doom, but with nowhere left to run, they fought on. And then finally the Waterwraith's front roller broke from a well-aimed purple Pikmin throw. The Waterwraith pitched forward, headfirst, into a wall, cracking its second roller in the process.

Morale for the Pikmin shot up; the Waterwraith stood no chance now.

With an angry vengeance, the Pikmin tore the Waterwraith apart, not caring if they were rebounded back for not being purple. And then finally their foe gave in, and gave out a loud, dying groan that shook the walls and the ceiling... and it died. Or so it seemed; the Waterwraith had, perhaps, never truly lived. If given a hundred or so years, it could easily reform its body. But this did not matter, for it was defeated.

The Pikmin took the spoils and followed their Masters out of the Cave, followed quickly by the Pod.

They failed to notice the poor purple Pikmin that remained, the only survivor of the initial group that had come down with Olimar & Louie in the first place. He was trapped beneath the crushed remnants of the Waterwraith's front roller, which he had shattered when he was thrown. And now he lay there forgotten, near death and crushed, the very essence of life being squeezed from his ribs like a rat caught in a trap.

But he would survive. He had to. Otherwise there would be no story, would there?

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When he came back to consciousness, the only thing the little purple Pikmin knew was pain.

Utter, terrible pain. All his ribs were broken, his face was smashed, his leaf was torn and several vertabrae in his spine crushed. His right foot was broken and his left femur was fractured. His collar bone felt like it was bruised.

And on top of all of that, he was alone.

In a cave.

With no hope whatsoever of getting out.

The purple grunted, pushing with all his might to free himself from under the heavy stone. It barely budged; there was no way he could lift this by himself. And he was a purple Pikmin! He would have kicked himself if he could feel his legs... or if he still HAD legs, because for all he knew they may have been squished clean off his waist.

It soon became apparant to the purple Pikmin that the stone looked quite a bit different than when the battle had started. And that's not just because it was shattered. It appeared... older. A LOT older. WAY, WAY, WAY, WAAAAY older.

It occured to the purple Pikmin that, since he seemingly lived forever (doncha' just love video games) without age or sickness, that maybe he'd been trapped under this stone for YEARS... maybe DECADES. Good thing he didn't need sustanence (again with the video games!)...

Wait... wait... How could he have been under this stone for so long without waking up until years (or decades or even centuries, maybe even millenia) later? The only answer was that his grevious head wound had caused him to suffer brain damage, and he had fallen into a coma. He once knew a white Pikmin that got hit on the head by a falling strawberry while they were inside The Ship's Hold. He forgot everything every three seconds for the rest of his life (which was roughly two hours). And then there was that red Pikmin he'd heard of who'd had the same thing happen to HIM while he was in his Onion. They said he was in a coma for... 50 days. Obviously, comas could be quite long ordeals, and the purple Pikmin realized that it was quite possible that he HAD been "asleep" for many years, only alive because of his seeming immortality (curse you video games!).

And now the only thing the purple Pikmin could do was wait. And wait. And wait. Considering that he had an infinite amount of blood (ever seen a Pikmin bleed to death?), and an undeveloped healing ability, all he could do was watch his own milky white fluids ooze out and seep away, simply to dry up.

Hours passed. The hours turned into days. The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. The months turned into years. The years turned into decades. ((The decades turned into centuries. The centuries turned into millenia. The millenia turned into infinitee that went on and on and on and on and on don't you just hate video games and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and my stories bad on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on argh and on and on and on and on and on and on and on stop already and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on, etc., etc., etc., infinitee.)))

And then it happened. The purple Pikmin had long ago gotten into the habit of counting the seconds, drawing in the dirt, wiping it clean, drawing again (usually nothing more than a simple square or circle). But then it happened (as previously stated). And his meaningless life lit up again.

Purple globs began to ooze up. There was a loud (almost deafening) sound as the second roller, lying quite a distance away, began to roll towards the first roller. The purple globs grew and grew, eventually becoming a large puddle that joined the two rollers, which lay still now. It didn't take an Olimar to figure out what the purple globs were... and what they were doing.

Suddenly the stone began to reassemble. Ages of crusty dirt, slime, ancient blood and other icky, smicky, yicky stuff broke off as it reformed. By now, the purple Pikmin was free.

He gave a whoop of joy. Hurrah for him. His body was broken and he smelled like the contents of a Vulture's second stomach (and they only have one stomach, so don't even try guessing how bad the second one smells). Like he cared. Pshaw.

Knowing that the new Waterwraith's quick growth spurt would take about a year to resume (but how did he know?!!), the purple Pikmin began to crawl away. In his state, he didn't realize that he should head for the Exit Geyser (which was decorated with "HERE, YOU KNOTHEAD!" and "EXIT, EXIT, EXIT, RIGHT HERE!" signs, just for conveniance of your personal humor).

Instead he went UP. The HARD WAY.

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It is impossible to tell how long it took that delarious purple Pikmin to climb up through the sublevels of the Submerged Castle.

But he did it. And it was twice as hard as swimming up a really big waterfall with a mind-bogglingly impossible challenge rating of 4223953777438387. Now THAT'S hard.

But he did it (repeat!). He did the impossible. That scrappy little purple Pikmin clawed his way upwards, breaking bones he didn't even know he had and wetting himself on more than one occasion.

But he did it (say it with me: you sound like a broken record!!!). He, a purple Pikmin who had come from OUTSIDE, and got INTO the Submerged Castle, finally got himself out.

A gnarled, embattled hand appeared at the lip of the Cave Entrance. That purple Pikmin, with the determination that comes with brain damage (and being made completely out of polygons), pulled himself up out of the Submerged Castle. He looked up at the moon. Had it really been as long since he last saw it as he thought?

There was a short pause as he realized just what an amazing little Pikmin he was. And then...

"I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At this time, the author would just like to tell you that the last little surviving synapse in that purple Pikmin's head (the little dingbat must have SOMEHOW been crazy enough to survive) switched on with an audible CLUNK! And, somehow, he realized that it wasn't the SUN he had just seen. It was the MOON. And commonly applied logic (which does not apply logically here) easily points out that, when you see the Moon and not the Sun, you are standing in pitch black darkness.

With monsters swarming towards you at an alarming rate of speed.

That little, embattered (and obviously quite vulgar) purple Pikmin had just one thing left to say:

"DAMMIT!"

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_Congrats! You've finished the longest skit on record for PIKMIN, TALES OF THE EXTREME! Sure, the first part was grim and gritty, and you will always hate me for dragging you through it, but Parts 2 and 3 were just so worth it, weren't they? Ah, well. Here's one last joke for you:_

_I say again: Congrats!_

_Have a beer! _

_(((DISCLAIMER: the poster of this post in no way is offering you, thinking of offering you, trying to offer you, not not not not offering you or even contemplating thinking about considering offering you a Beer. The poster of this post would like to clarify that he/she/transvestite is in no way an alcholic, or that he/she/transvestite has undergone a gender-change. Also, he/she/transvestite will no longer be referred to as he/she/transvestite, for he/she/transvestite it certainly not a she, hermophrodyte, non-male or transvestite, but by law we are not allowed to give his/her/transvestite's gender type away freely.)))_

_"I did! Look at my profile! I'm male!"_

_--leaps up and grabs the Disclaimer-lawyer by the throat--_

_"**Read **-grunt-, **and Review**! -grunt- DIE DISCLAIMER-LAWYER! DIE, DIE, DIE!"_


	3. who's that handsome devil?

**I have nothing to say. Just read it. It's funny.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Pikmin. The characters in this story are mine, however. A lot of this is adapted off the hit machinima series, Red Versus Blue, but only because I can't stop thinking about that show and because it just fits. But then again, lots of comedians take jokes from other comedians and adapt them, and I'M saying where I got them, so there. Don't sue, please.**

**--lawyers sue quickly--**

**"I regret nothing!"**

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Holocaust was a black Pikmin. He always thought of himself as being a great, evil villain... but he was never very good at it. But he always tried... once, he had created a giant Armaggedon Machine (only to be fried to a crisp). And so, as you can see, Holocaust was doomed to failure.

But then one day, while wandering through the forest, Holocaust came across three things: the first was a senile Dutch Pikmin named Old Hans. The second was a yellow Pikmin named Bannanasplit, who had a deep group through his forehead (he once had done a self-lobotomy). And the third was...

Yoohoo drink! Holocaust loved this stuff! Not that he'd ever seen or heard of it before, much less drank it, but still...

Now, after drinking the gigantic can full of Yoohoo, Holocaust settled in to talk to Old Hans and Bannanasplit.

"So what do you do for a living?" asked Old Hans, looking in the opposite direction of Holocaust.

"I... Uh..." responded Holocaust.

"'I Uh?'" asked Old Hans, pouring some tea into his hand like it was a cup. "I Uh Tolla?"

"No," replied Holocaust, "But close."

At this Holocaust went into a deep and dramatic pose. Evil music played in the background. His voice took a deep, grinding, Plankton-esque tone.

"_I am PLOTTING to RULE THE __**WORLD!!!**_"

Old Hans lifted his hand up to his bearded-old-chin and slurped noisely. "That's nice."

Holocaust blinked. Had his voice not been scary and evil enough?

Bannanasplit looked over from his seat by the fireplace. The line through his forehead seemed to be a long, thin, third eye.

"So you're plotting to rule the world, huh?" he asked. "I do that too, in my spare time."

The yellow Pikmin, mutilated face in all its hideous glory, turned to the fireplace and chuckled evilly. Holocaust was surprised at the skill behind this laugh; he himself had only mastered the high pitched, nasal, annoying part. Bannanasplit seemed to have mastered the entirety.

"Ah, yes," said Old Hans dreamily, sticking his finger in a hole in the wall. "I remember when he once drilled a hole in the Dike around Holland. 'Course, his little plan was follied--"

"Foiled," corrected Bannanasplit calmly, almost automatically.

"--filayed, when a lil' boy came along an' stuck his finger in it."

The yellow Pikmin growled, his calmness gone in a flash. "The little cur..."

Holocaust blinked. _What in the world was he getting into..._

"So," started Old Hans, still talking in his old, senile Dutch accent. "Any plans for world domineering?"

"Domination," corrected Bannanasplit, now back in a serene (if off-kilter) mood.

Old Hans ignored the younger Pikmin, and was now staring into a corner almost like he was half-asleep.

"Well, no," sighed Holocaust, scratching at his jet-black armpits. "I haven't thought of one for nearly three months now..."

Old Hans stood, shakily. "Hold on," he said in his unhinged-accent. "I have to take a leak."

Holocaust stared stupidly as Old Hans got up and shambled towards the corner. Surely he wasn't going to...

"Full moon tonight," Bannanasplit said pondorously.

Holocaust turned and looked at him. "Excuse me? I thought the full moon was two days away..."

Bannanasplit sipped some tea and then pointed over at the corner.

Holocaust looked... and gasped. Old Hans' pants were lying in a wad a little ways off, and Old Hans himself was now standing, in nothing but his shirt, in the corner. The sound of running water seemed to drown out the noise of the crackling fire in the hearth.

Holocaust stammered. "Da... du... de... guh..."

Bannanasplit laughed serenely. "He does that every five minutes. Just like clockwork. I use it as a way to tell time. It is..." the yellow Pikmin pondered for a moment. "9:15 PM, April 6, year 7."

"Year 7 of what?"

"Of me having to live with this old geiser. I'm his caretaker."

_Oh,_ thought Holocaust, _that explains it then._

The sound of running water soon gave way to a satisfied groan of relief. Holocaust shuddered. _Vile, vile old man..._

"So, uh..." started Holocaust, unsure of what to say but anxious to get off the subject of a certain old Dutchmin.

"What do you mean by 'so, uh...'?" asked Bannanasplit, one leg now crossed over the other in his high-end English chair. Holocaust realized how much he resembled Sherlock Holmes.

Also, the Pikmin had started smoking a pipe and muttering the words "Elementary..." and "Watson..." under his breath. Coincidence? Nah...

"Well... Anything, I guess."

Old Hans was now pulling up his imaginary underwear.

"Hmm... Why, I've got it, my good Doctor Watson!"

"My name isn't Watson."

"It's the perfect plan for such a talented Amatuer Villain such as yourself!"

Old Hans was now having trouble buttoning his imaginary pants.

"What? What sort of plan?" Holocaust was excited now. Yes-siree-doody-dandy-doo-dan-do-da-d-d.

Bannanasplit paused for dramatic effect.

"There is a house. A very large house. On a hill. Not too far from here. I'm sure you'll find something useful there."

Holocaust's eyes lit up. "Can you take me there?"

"Yes."

Holocaust felt like he was going to wet himself. _This is it! I'm finally going to rule the world!_

"Tomorrow."

"Aww, man! What a big jip!"

THE NEXT DAY...

Holocaust came back into the woods the next day, with a party of 14 hired Minions.

Bannanasplit was already waiting outside, wearing a trenchcoat, a fedora, and some mighty sweet shades.

Luckily, Old Hans was nowhere to be found.

Or so they thought.

"We'll blow them Commies straight to hell! Hell I tells ya! _Heeeeelllllllllllll!!!_"

The senile old Dutchmin was wearing an old WWI helmet and was armed with a pellet-rifle.

Holocaust stared. "Is he always like this?"

"No," replied Bannanasplit, "Only on Saturdays."

"Oh."

Holocaust reminded himself to do something about Old Hans. Very, _very_ soon.

"So, uh... Is everyone ready to go?"

Holocaust's 14 hired minions shook their heads in unison. "Ready to go, ready to go, ready to go!" they chanted in their high pitched voices.

Holocaust nodded. "Excellent..."

Bannanasplit rested a hand on the younger Pikmin's shoulder. "No, no, no. What did I tell you?"

Holocaust sighed. "Always emphasize the 'Exc' of 'Excellent...'"

"Good! Now, the chase is afoot! Away!"

Old Hans gave a wild yell and broke into a 0.005 mph run (of course, that's pretty fast for an old Pikmin), ripping throught the forest like greased lightning on wheels. Holocaust stared dumbly.

"This defies all laws of physics."

"No," corrected Bannanasplit as he, too, ran off. "Only your physics!"

A FEW HOURS (AND HILARIOUS DOINGS) LATER...

Holocaust was exhausted. In this, he was alone; his minions were running around, the seven blue ones shooting at the seven red ones and the seven red ones shooting at the seven blue ones. In other words, they were having a great time (other than the bullet lodged in their backsides).

"How... how..." Holocaust gasped. "How... could... I... have... forgotten... my... inhaler..."

"How... much... farther..." panted Holocaust.

"Still a ways off," replied Bannasplit, taking a puff from his ornate pipe. "We'll be there eventually."

"Yeah..." replied Holocaust as he sucked in air. "...By... nightfall..."

Old Hans fired into the air. "Were are those damnable commies? Where? WHERE?!"

Holocaust reached up and shoved two balls of cotton into his ears (then again, he didn't have ears). A look of relief spread across his face. "Ah..."

Meanwhile, one of the red minions had run ahead. Coming to a clearing, he gasped as he saw more than two score darkish Pikmin wearing robes and pointy hats (and carrying wands, of course) advancing towards him.

"Holy sh--"

KAZAP!

Meanwhile, back with the main group, the loud sound-effect was heard loud and clear, along with the bloodcurdling scream of the red minion.

"You," ordered Holocaust, forgetting momentarily about his exhaustion. "To even things out, I'm sending a blue minion. So go out there and find his pitiful remains, and make sure to scream as loud as you can when whatever killed him kills you, so we'll know what's happening. As an added bonus, I'll give you a blue flag!"

One of the blues saluted. "Yes sir, yes sir!" he yelled in his loud voice, altered for high-pitchedness. "Will do sir! Awaaaaaay!"

So he ran off.

A minute later, the minion found the red Pikmin minion. He had been reduced to a pile of rubbery yellow and red mush, with his two brains and an eyeball laying nearby (wait, two eyeballs and one brain).

"What the heck? Who did this to you, how'd this happen, speak up man, I can't hear you, what's that? Huh? Ya, that's right, &!#! You just got pwned n00b! Rocket-whore, camper, fag-tagger! Ya, that's right, uh-huh, hump hump hump! Humililating, huh? W00T!"

The pitiful remains of the red minion groaned. "Why me, oh Darwin? Why me? Now I must wait until I evolve from this rubbery mush to a bug and then an orange, and possibly a watermellon, and then to my old self again! Why, Darwin, why? Why couldn't I have evolved past this point? I am not worthy! Nooo!"

...Uh... yeah... ignore that. Anyway...

As the blue minion crouched on top of the mush, stood back up, crouched back down, and stood up again (repeatedly), he failed to notice the two score Pikmin Wizards coming up behind him.

"Oh, yeah, uh, uh, uhhh! I'm gonna f--, wait what was that?"

He turned around, and saw nothing.

"Oh, just the wind, yeah baby, just the wind! I rule! I am the greatest! I pwn all n00bs &!#! W00T!"

KAZAP!

"Gah!" the minion screamed as he fell. "Tell my girlfriend I love her! I will be avenged! I--"

KAZAP-AGAIN!

"Urk! My body is broken! Avenge me! Be the king you were born to be, Aragorn!"

KAZAP-FOR-THE-LAST-TIME-JUST-DIE-ALREADY!

"Pretty lights... such nice tunnel... FREEDOOOMMM!"

KAZAP-KAZAP-KAZAP-WHY-WHY-WHY!

"Hey, that actually feels pretty good! In fact, I think I might even live through thi-"

adjusts wand to boiling-frapper-death setting

KAZOOP!

"Grk! On second thought, I'll just lay here and die."

KAZOOP-ONCE-M0RE!

"Ok, that's just overkill."

KAZOOP-AGAIN-AND-AGAIN!

"Sucky writing! Kill me now! Nothing can destroy me!"

wizards all adjust their wands to Armeggendon setting

KAZABAMABANG-INFINITY!

"Bleah... Must... go... to... the light... ... ... Eragon suuuucccckkkkssssssss..."

KAZABAMABANG-INFINITY-OVERKILL-STOP-USING-THIS-JOKE-IT'S-GETTING-REPETETIVE

"Twitch... GAH! I am dead! I AM NO MORE! NEVER To pwn n00bs again... Gah... ... ... burp... ... --dies--"

And at long last, the blue minion died. After three hours of nonstop Kazapping. And Kazooping. And Kazabamabang-infinity-overkilling. And etcing., etcing., etcing. W00T!

MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE RANCH...

"Boy do I love ropin' cattle."

WAIT... MEANWHILE, BACK WITH THE MAIN GROUP...

"Uh..." spoke up Holocaust. "What now?"

Bannanasplit raised up a finger. "Quiet. I'd know that Kabooping and Kazooping anywhere. It's the Wizardry Clan, come to avenge their fallen Masters!"

Holocaust blinked. "Uh, yeah, what was that again? I didn't catch any of that."

The evil genius shook his head. "There is no time to explain, we must flee!"

And with that, the 12 minions, two would-be-evil-genuises, and one old crazed dutchmin ran for their lives through the woods.

(to the tune of "Iron Man")

_I... Am... Pikky-man, running through the forest from the Wizardry Clan!_

"Run for your lives!" screamed one of the red minions. "The end-times are at hand! Flee like a n00b!"

_They... Have... Pointy Hats, and their beating stupid Diggers with baseball bats!_

As the Pikmin ran, two score Pikmin wizards suddenly appeared from the trees and gave chase.

_They... Have... Gamercards, way up in the millions like medieval bards!_

Kazap, Kazoop, Kabam! One by one, a blue and then a red minion fell. Holocaust ducked one blast, but his leaf was struck... and exploded into a dandelion puff!

_This... Song... Makes no sense, and it really doesn't rhyme in the future tense!_

And then, suddenly, the wizards surrounded the Pikmin!

"ZOMG!" screamed the remaining minion, a red one. "We are going to be pwned like nerdy n00bs! NOOOO!!!"

Bannanasplit decked the minion with a single punch. "You fool! Let me do the negotiating."

Holocaust wobbled by, his new dandelion puff swaying in the wind (which now threatened to blow him away). "Hey, dude... stop the ride... I wanna get off... mommy... --barf!--"

Old Hans raised up his gun. "It's the Commies! #$$&4!!!!"

The senile old dutchmin raised up his old rifle and popped a cap in the bass-tongs of one of the Wizards.

"I'm melting!" the wizard screamed, and dissolved into a brown puddle of acid and spit and bad feelings.

KAZABAMABANG-INFINITY! The Wizardry Clan fired upon Old Hans!

"Holy crap!" screamed Holocaust, Bannanasplit and the red minion in unision...

...Because in Old Han's place was a frog.

Unfortunately for the Pikmin Wizards, a frog is bigger than a Pikmin. And this one just happened to have the brain of Old Hans. Yes, be afraid. Be _very _afraid.

_Now, kids. I could tell you that the Wizardry Clan didn't deserve the beating that ol' frog gave them, but my mama' told me never to tell a lie. So let's just put it this way: the Wizardry Clan was never heard of again, though they did somehow pop up later in conspiracy theories about the Mombassi governemnt, but that, my friends, is a different story..._

ONE HOUR LATER...

Old Hans had hopped away, croaking about Commies gnawing at his insides. So now only the red minion, Holocaust, and Bannanasplit remained.

And they had just reached the house that Bannanasplit had been talking about.

"It's more beautiful than I've ever imagined!" cried the red minion.

"So this is it, huh?" asked Holocaust, ignoring his hired minion.

"Yes, yes it is," replied Bannanasplit.

"So I finally learn how to rule the world... I always expected it would be a little more dramatic and less zany than this, but I guess that was not to be..."

And so they entered the house...

INSIDE THE HOUSE...

They were now in the master bathroom, on top of the sink, above a bowl of vanity-smelling candlewax.

"So... Now what?" asked Holocaust. "The house is empty, this is the only thing around."

Bannanasplit laughed an evil laugh. "Yes, I was hoping you'd say that..."

The red minion suddenly perked up. "Oh, crap! I can sense a big unexpected plot twist! ...I also sense that I am going to die a horrible, n00bish death."

Bannanasplit laughed again, this time even louder. "How right you are!"

And with that, he leaped forward, grabbed the minion by the head, and ripped out his skull.

"Holy crap!" screamed Holocaust.

"Holy--OUCH!" screamed the minion as Bannanasplit began beating him with his own skull. "This isn't even physically possible!"

"That's what Rooster Teeth said!" Bannanasplit howled maniacally! "Now die, die, DIE!"

"Gah! I am dead. I can see the light! The anti-flag will be defeated! Faaattthhhheeerrrrrrr..."

"Yes, yes, yes," Bannanasplit growled. "Now hurry up and die already. Statistically, you shouldn't even be twitching, and--ah, yes, there you go! Yes, keep convulsing and squirting blood; it's good for business."

Holocaust backed up to the edge of the sink. "I don't like this..." he muttered.

Bannanasplit laughed. "That's because I'm going to kill you!"

"Oh. That explains it then."

Holocaust backed up some more, to the point where his heels were hanging off the edge of the sink. His new dandelion puff began to quiver in the wind coming from a nearby window. "But why are you doing this? What did I ever do to you?"

Bannanasplit snorted. "Oh, come _on_! Did you really think I was going to train you to rule the world before I can rule the world?"

"Yes."

"Well you were wrong! HAHAHAHAHAHHA! I've been tricking you, hoping to shove you out of the way! The villain business is quite cut-throat, you know."

"Yes, I've kind of realized that by now."

"And I can't have any competetion, so..."

Bannanasplit lunged!

Holocaust found himself falling, down towards the bowl of vanity-smelling candlewax, still liquidized and hot, below. But he found the edge of the sink, and grabbed on!

"Playing hard to kill, are you?" chuckled Bannanasplit. "No matter; you shall die!"

With that, Bannanasplit raised up a foot and slammed it down on Holocaust's right hand.

"SWEET JUESE CHITS!" the black Pikmin screamed. "THAT FRIGGIN' HURT!"

"Yes, it was supposed to," replied Bannanasplit in a bored tone. "Now hurry up and fall off so I can kill you!"

CHOMP!

"JUESE CHITS! MY EYES!"

Bannanasplit stumbled towards the edge of the sink as the red minion's skull jumped up and grabbed him by the face. "DIE MUTHA&$#!!! DIE!!!"

As his right hand slipped, all five fingers broken, Holocaust reached up and grabbed onto Bannanasplits ankles. "Ha, ha, &!#! Who's got who now!"

Bannanasplit wrenched the skull off his face.

"DIOS MIO!" the skull screamed.

"You fool!" laughed Bannanasplit, blood pouring out of his eyes and off his face. "I have still won! You will die as well as me, too! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Holocaust looked down at the rapidly approaching candlewax. And then he realized something.

"Actually, Bannanasplit, I'm not going to die."

And with that, Holocaust lifted up his leaf-turned-dandelion-puff, and let the gust of wind from the nearby window lift him up like a parachute. "So long, sucker!"

Bannanasplit stared through his now-blinded eyes for a minute.

And then... "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

---BANNANASPLIT SPLASHES INTO THE CANDLEWAX---

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

---BANNANASPLIT SLOWLY DISSOLVES LIKE BUTTER IN A SKILLET---

But then all the little puffs on Holocaust's dandelion thingy-ma-bob blew off, and he fell.

"Oh, sh--"

SPLAT!!!

Holocaust lay there...

..."I'm ok!"

"Aaaaaaaggghhh! Faaaaaalllliiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggggggg--"

WHACK!

The red minion's skull landed on top of Holocaust's head with a loud crack, and then bounced to the side. "Ooh, man, knocked a few teeth out there!" it yelled. "...Dude? Holocaust dude, are you alright? Dude?"

Holocaust just lay there...

..."I'm still ok!"

**DU TU DU TU DO!!!**

-----------------------------------

**Read and Review, or I'll rip out your skull and beat you to death with it!**

**...Naw, I'm just joking. I will NOT rip out your skull and beat you to death with it.**

**Unless you read this and don't review. I'll know!**


	4. would'ja like some HAGGIS with that?

**I'm as surprised as you are.**

**Oh, by the way, I DON'T own**** PIKMIN, NINTENDO, or any other brand name product that may or may not be mentioned in this chapter.**

**(NOTE: this is a rewrite. The previous attempt at this chapter only had about 968 words, wasn't very funny, and didn't break any new ground. This attempt at the chapter will be different.)**

----------------------------------

Jargick hated waiting. Especially when he was waiting for his turn to face the ever-dreaded Pikmin army, led by those two despicable alien Leaders. Jargick, being a red Bulborb, was of course a natural predator of Pikmin... yet for some reason none of his relatives ever survived an encounter.

Talk about flipping the tables.

This weighed heavily on Jargick's mind as the screams of the dying creatures echoed down the tunnels of the Uber Cavern, mingled with the battle cries of at least fifty blue pikmin and several of those traitorous bulbmin. Jargick couldn't tell if the screams were coming from this sublevel or the one above, but it didn't really matter either way.

"We're so dead."

Jargick turned his eyestalks to look at a small Dwarf Bulborb named Mickey that had been lounging about nearby. _Always a pessimist_, sighed Jargick inwardly. Mickey was Jargick's ever-present companion, who had a knack for making a bad situation even worse.

"Would you just shut up?" growled Jargick, baring his monstrous teeth. "Things can only get better from here."

"Hell is better?" snorted Mickey.

"Oh, hardy, har, har. We're already _in_ hell."

It was at that point another loud bellow was heard, and this time it was unmistakably from the sublevel the duo occupied. Mickey looked suddenly very frightened.

"That sounded like Blugder!"

Recognizing the elder bulborb's distinctive roar, Jargick froze. He suddenly became very, very afraid.

"...Go check it out," the mighty bulborb eventually ordered his partner in crime.

Mickey looked up, a look of shock on his face. "Wtf? Why the (H-E-doublehockeysticks) should I be the one to go look? _You_ go look!"

Yet again, Jargick bared his teeth. "How about _you_ go and spare me the pleasure of devouring you whole?"

Mickey quickly changed his mind and set off down the halls. Jargick could see the sweat rolling off his spotty red back in torrents.

Eventually the Dwarf disappeared into the darkness; Jargick wondered if he'd ever be seen again.

Turns out he wouldn't.

----------

Mickey was afraid. Very, very afraid. In fact, if he'd had pants, he would have wet them by now.

Why?

1: because he was cornered by an army of blue pikmin and bulbmin. 2: when you're cornered by an army of blue pikmin and bulbmin, you're going to wet yourself. 3: see reasons One and Two. 4: one too many reasons here...

The bulbmin moved in first, drooling hungrily.

"Dude," one of them spoke as he slobbered. "That guy's eyeballs would so totally go good with a fine bottle of wine and some french quizine!"

"Dude," another bulbmin responded, "Totally! But his bladder, mhm, I would so bet you could dice it up, sprinkle spices on it and spread it on garlic sauce!"

"Not to mention his stomach!" interjected yet another hungry bulbmin.

"Dude, I would totally want his stomach sutffed with all his major internal organs. I haven't had haggis in... like... never!"

"It takes a strong man to stomach a stomach, dude."

"Totally. But what about his--"

Mickey shot a disgusted (and frightened) look at the steadily advancing bulbmin. "Wow, hey, guys! Enough talking about how my internal and external body parts would go well with quality foods! I can't even afford that stuff with my salary! Besides, I hate the Scottish, and that would really get onto my nerves if you made me into their national food."

The bulbmin looked at each. Then they looked back at Mickey.

"Dude," they said in unison, "Now that I can see it, his tongue so totally goes good with gravy and wollywog hindquarters!"

"Speaking of hindquarters," another, more educated bulbmin put in, "His would go quite finely alongside some lobsters and seasoned salad!"

The other bulbmin exchanged looks.

ALL: "Nah."

The bulbmin began advancing again. There were fifteen of them; Mickey knew he wouldn't be able to hold them all off. Unless...

"Look out behind you!" he screamed, "Tasteless fast-food burgers!"

The bulbmin whipped around in unison and charged straight into the midst of the blue pikmin.

"You fools!" one of the pikmin cried, "He's getting away!"

Mickey ran like he'd never ran before! Behind him he could hear the full fury (and wrath) of the blue pikmin closing in fast. There was nowhere to run; he was trapped like a rat in a maze!

...Or was it a rat in a cage? Meh, Mickey couldn't remember.

Mickey turned a corner... and saw the carcass of Ol' Blugder, and even _more_ pikmin!

"Sonovacrap!"

Mickey made another turn and ran in the opposite direction, the new pikmin hot on his trail! He came to an intersection, and went to turn left... but saw the blue pikmin coming down the corridor. He went to turn right... but saw even more pikmin. He went to run straight on ahead... and saw that it was a dead end! There was nowhere to go; Mickey was trapped!

Thinking fast, the dwarf quickly formulated an idea...

-----------

The four little armies converged at the intersection, but the dwarf bulborb they were after was nowhere to be seen.

Instead, there was a medium-sized bulbmin (with facial hair, no-less), complete with a large flower on his back, waiting for them.

"Hey, have you seen a dwarf bulborb, about your size, come running through here?" asked several of the pikmin.

The bulbmin's eyes darted back and forth... "Uh... he went... THATAWAY!"

Nobody moved.

"Uh..." the bulbmin moaned nervously.

Crickets chirpped.

"...Which way?"

The bulbmin gave a sigh of relief. "He went... That way!" The bulbmin pointed with his nose at one of the corridors.

"...Thanks buddy! C'mon fellars, let's get that slimey, lying, no-good scumbag!"

The pikmin all ran off down the tunnel. The bulbmin sighed in relief.

"Man, that was close!" he exclaimed exasperately, shaking his facial hair off. "Good thing I always keep a spare fake-mustache on hand!"

Mickey quickly dumped his flower back into a nearby flower-pot and shook the potting-soil off.

"Hey waitaminute!" came a cry.

Mickey froze and looked down the dead-end corridor.

"This is a dead-end! That lying, cheating, yellow-bellied scumbag of a bulbmin tricked us!"

"Let's get him!"

Mickey screamed like a little girly-girl and ran... pretty much like a little girly-girl.

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap!"

-----------

Jargick was worried. Where was Mickey? He should have been back by now.

"Ah well, he's probably having the feast of his life right now."

Pause.

"I can't decide if I've just doomed him or saved his soul."

-----------

Diddle-doodle-diddle-doodle-diddle-doodley-dee!

"AAAAAAAA!!"

Doodle-diddle-doodle-diddle-doodle-didley-dee!

"AAAAAAAA!!"

Diddle-doodle-diddle-doodle-diddle-doodley-dee!

"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Ever watched Scooby-doo? You know how in the chase scene all the characters will be shown going in one door way down the hallway, and then be shown coming out a different door on the other side of said hallway?

Yeah, imagine that. That's what Mickey had to endure.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!"

Finally, witless, Mickey through himself into a corridor... only to come out a little ways down face-to-face with the pikmin.

"Hello," one of the pikmin grinned.

Mickey groaned. "Just make it quick."

"How about mildly slow?"

-----------

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

Jargick moaned. "Man, just as I thought he was going to get away!

Ten seconds later there came a **_second_** piercing scream of utter terror, echoing loudly down the halls of the cavern sublevel. It was soon followed by the sounds of dozens of horrendous blue pikmin and bulbmin, screaming their war cries and ripping poor Mickey limb from limb like... like... heck, I don't know! Go ask somebody like Jargick; he was scared witless.

"Ok... breathe..." Jargick ordered himself. The faint sound of what seemed to be countless little footfalls funnelled through the cave. "Be prepared... find a way to fight them..."

Jargick suddenly spotted a conviently located little alcove to his right. "Perfect! I'll hide here!"

The Red Bulborb quickly lumbered into the alcove and squeezed in tight. The sound of the approaching pikmin and bulbmin grew steadily louder, now accompanied by their accursed marching tunes. Jargick felt like the ears he didn't have were about to explode from the incessant noise.

Finally, the pikmin and their leaders appeared. Wait... there was only one. Jargick felt a grin spread across his face as he suddenly realized the feast he could have. "Food!" he slobbered.

The pikmin leader, the red one, waddled past on fat white legs, a bubble encompasing his head. Forty five blue pikmin and about fifteen bulbmin followed behind him, a little forest of leaves, buds and flowers. Jargick's eyes began to bulge out of their sockets on his eyestalks. Slobber was spilling out of his mouth like a mini-waterfall. Everything was spinning, out of control, getting hazy.

"I can't take it any more!" Jargick finally screamed, charging out from his little alcove like a raging bull. "FOOD!!! MUST... HAVE... fOoD..."

Hearing the hunger-crazed bulborb, the the leader and his little army turned around. Before you could say, "Great Googly Moogly, Batman!" Jargick had descended upon the pikmin and devoured a whopping eight of them. Soon more were charging forward, but Jargick had successfully blocked the tunnel with his great girth.

"It's so heavenly..." slobbered Jargick through a mouthful of pikmin and bulbmin, before stomping on several of the creatures attacking his feet, and at the same time shaking several more off his face.

The tunnel was soon litered with the pitiful remains of close to two dozen pikmin and bulbmin. But Jargick still wasn't stopping! "Must... EAT!!!"

Suddenly, numerous heavy purple pikmin began landing on Jargick's back, obviously from behind.

"Gee-AGGH!!!" screamed the bulborb, stumbling. His vision was swimming, turning red...

"WTF?" he mumbled, before finally collapsing on the remaining bulbmin and several unfortunate blues. He managed to swivel his eyes around to see... the blue pikmin leader. Throwing purple pikmin on him.

"D'oh!"

Jargick gave a great heave, and then died. Needless to say, several pikmin that had been swallowed whole came shooting out his mouth, still alive but bleached pale. That, however... is another story.

What is it you say? You want to hear that story?

Meh, maybe some other time. I'm a busy man.

-----------

**Leave a review, please.**


	5. CH 5, the preview for CH 6!

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Pikmin.**

**Hello. It is I, Great Thumbs of Wisdom, master of pikfics and all manner of related garbage. And this, my friends, is the preview for the newest and greatest chapter of P:TotE yet! Everything in italics has been taken directly from the chapter itself.**

**It will have peril! Oh, yes, the peril...**

_"You fool! You've doomed us all!"_

_"Well, how was I supposed to know the big red button would destroy the world!?"_

**It will have conflict!**

_"Why do I have the feeling we've passed this very tree three times before?"_

_"We're in an evil forest. It's full of similiar-looking trees!"_

**Plot exposition!**

_"Yeah, what's with the dandelion puff, Drako?"_

_"Fool! I am not Drako! I am---"_

**Pirates!**

_"Arr!"_

**Ninjas!**

_"Hyah!"_

**Pirateninjas!!!**

_"Hy-Arr!"_

**An Intermission!!!!**

_"Hey Drako, pass the popcorn would you?"_

_"For the last time, you mortal fools, I am not Drako, I am--"_

_"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Popcorn, now."_

**The Undead!!!!!**

_"This is Dr. Phil Mcgraw. And YOU have a problem, my friend! Eating the brains of your friends and family is NOT the right thing, Bill. Bill? You're thinking of eating my brain right now, aren't you Bill?"_

_"What? Heck no! ...Braaaaaaiiiiiinnnnsss!!!"_

**And even... Song and Dance!!!!!!!!!!!!**

_"...Numa numa yay! Numa numa yay! Numa numa, numa yay!"_

**All of this adds up to... the GREATEST COMEDY CHAPTER OF ALL TIME!**

**Stay tuned.**


	6. CH 6, the musical!

**Welcome. This is the REAL chapter 5. Ironically, it also happens to NOT be chapter 5 at all. Instead it's chapter 6. Confused? Me too. ****Anyway, I now grant you the greatest comedy chapter ever written. Think I'm joking? Well, it has EVERYTHING. From pirates to ninjas (and even pirateninjas!) to singing llamas to extreme horror (V Rex will know what I'm talking about when he comes to the fish part) to Numa Numa. Still think I'm joking?**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pikmin, pirateninjas, the Numa Numa Dance (also known as Dragostea Din Tei). In fact, I own nothing except for rare few originalities you may find. I invite you to discern what is original and what is not. Also, credit goes to Burton Earny for The Llama Song, Wierd Al for the Ebay Song, and Monty Python for The Lumberjack Song. I do not own them. :D**

**Please, whenever you get to a song, look up the name of said song on Youtube in another window and listen to it while you read. You shall not be disappointed. :P**

----------

_There is an ancient tale of a world known only as Pikpik. An equally ancient tale from this world tells of a party of adventurers who embarked on an epic quest to overthrow a terribly evil overlord. You wish to hear it? I advise against it. Mortal men have gone MAD at the mere telling of this tale. What makes you any different?_

_What is that you say? "Get on with it?" Alright then, I shall tell the morbid tale..._

_...**The Song of Eiir!!**_

----------

There once was a young red Pikmin named Baldup. He was exceedingly wise and strong for his age. His Onion and family were wiped out by a murderous overlord from the north, who then moved on with his army to conquer new lands. Baldup followed this overlord with nothing but a mighty sword to his name.

Along the way he lost the sword and fell off the edge of the world. Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

But another red Pikmin found the sword! Magnficant, he was. He gathered a party of adventurers to his name and set off to fight the same overlord Baldup had sought to slay.

Unfortunately, the party was wiped out by a violent and unexpected epidemic of diarrhea.

But yet another hero, a third red Pikmin named Elbair, found the sword!

He accidently cut himself on it and died from infection.

A fourth red Pikmin found the sword.

He used it to give himself open-heart surgery and gave himself too much anesthesia, dying of blood loss in his sleep.

And then, finally, Horace found the sword.

But this story is not about Horace.

It is about the son of Horace's great-great-grandson's daughter's uncle's cousin's aunt's brother's mother's father's grandfather's nephew's daughter's neice.

Twice removed.

This distant relative of Horace was named Harry, and he was both a dashing swordsmin and a handsome lookalike of Harrison Ford, whom he happened to be named after. In point of fact, he was also quite cunning, having graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of Pikpik.

As to how Harry got possession of the sword... I'll leave that up to your imagination.

But by now the Overlord had come into control of the entire world. Harry knew he needed to defeat the Overlord, but he also knew he could not do it alone.

Ahh, but he was young. Why should he care?

So Harry set off on his adventure. And that's where this story starts...

----------

Harry was hungry. He hadn't eaten in a fortnight, and his water supply was dangerously low. You see, he had entered a most terrible bog, located in the middle of nowhere. No, literally, the land the bog was located in was called Nowhere. The neighboring countries happened to be Somewhere, Anywhere, and Halfwaythere.

Suddenly Harry slipped and fell into the deep mire of the bog. Struggling, he realized he could not make it back to harder ground. But then he realized that he could reach his sword!

With a mighty effort, Harry pulled his sword from its scabbard and threw it at a stone sticking out of the mud. KA-CHING! The sword stuck in the stone with ease.

Then Harry realized he couldn't reach the sword.

"Da--" he began to say, only to be cut off by a mouthful of mud.

Nasty stuff, that mud.

"Hold on!" there suddenly came an earsplittingly loud cry. "I shall save you!"

And then, out of nowhere, there came a hand of untold proportions (for the uneducated among you, that means "really big"). And before you can say "Leaping Salamanders", Harry was effortlessly freed from the muck and mire of the bog. But who had accomplished this deed, Harry wondered? He looked up, and saw...

Bob Barker.

"Hello. Spade and neuter your pets!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Seeing Harry's immediate fear, Mr. Barker hastily set him down atop his giant log. He then reached down and plucked Harry's sword from the stone. After that there was only silence.

For about two seconds.

"You must be Harry. And what a wonderful prize we have for you today!"

...--

"What is your bid?"

...oo

"I said, what is your bid?"

...OO

"...Er, ahem. Your... bid?"

...O.O

"Damnit Harry, what is your $ & bid?!"

"Oh, uh, right."

"...Uh, Bob?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"I have no bid."

..."Oh... that's right."

There was another momentary pause.

"You're not taking your retirement very well, are you?"

Bob sighed wearily. "No, I certainly am not. For all the public knows, I'm lying stone-cold dead in a coffin somewhere in Kentucky. There's not a single news station that's so much as mentioned me for more than five months!!"

As he was talking, Bob was also making violent gesticulations. He almost took Harry's head off!

"Cripes! Watch it, I say!"

Finally, Mr. Barker calmed down (but did not cease to speak).

"Now, as I was saying, I am going to give you three party-members to accompany you on your long and terrible journey."

"Wait... what?"

"Party-members. For your journey. One of them is particularly good at making talking motions with his mouth while dialogue flashes under his picture."

"This sounds dangerously like Final Fantasy LXIIXVIII."

"But what about their area attacks? What about turn-based tactics?"

"Screw turn-based tactics."

"Card-based attacks?"

"Screw that too."

"What about real time?"

"Who cares?!"

..."Well, you're getting three party-members whether you like it or not. So THERE!"

And before you could say 'Black-Current Turry and Cream," Harry was flung out of the swamp, over the land of Halfwaythere, and straight onto a small path located many leagues from Nowhere.

Suddenly, Mr. Barker's voice boomed in Hary's ears.

"Follow the path to the Court of El Rondo! There you will find your three companions. And then you will embark on the greatest journey on all time!"

Crickets chirp.

"Get going!!!"

Don't start saying 'Black-Current Turry and Cream' or I'll bash your brains out!

Now, back to the story.

-----

Harry walked for many miles. He wondered who El Rondo was. He also wondered when he could eat, having lost his food back in the bog. Ah well.

"Who goes there?"

Harry whipped around, drawing his sword as he went.

"Who said that?"

A tall, lithe pikmin stepped out of the underbrush next to the path. He was quite a gangly fellow, and cut a comical picture as well. His arms hung down past his knees, and his wrists were so small that Harry could have easily wrapped his pinky around them. Both of them. At the same time, even.

"I said it," stated the tall pikmin in a matter-of-fact voice.

"And just who are you?" asked Harry. "In fact, what are you?"

"Why," stated the tall pikmin, "I am El Rondo! The greatest sorcerer there ever was. Would you care for some tea?"

Henry immediately sheathed his sword and smiled. "Why yes, I... wait a minute! You didn't tell me what you were?"

"Yes I did. I'm a sorcerer. A very powerful sorcerer, in fact. I'm also a plagiarist, as my name is derived from 'Elrond.'"

"But what color are you?"

"You can plainly see what color I am!" snuffed El Rondo rather huffily.

"Yes I can," replied Harry, "But the author neglected to inform the readers what color you happen to be. And since my contract keeps me from noting details such as this out loud, you must do it yourself."

"Oh, fine!" snapped El Rondo. "I'm a peach pikmin. Or is it pink? Yes, I'm pink. No, no, definitely peach."

"Seems more like ochre to me."

"What? Never! Ochre isn't even a color! There's yellow ochre, I know that for certain, but no 'ochre.'"

"Whatever. We'll say you're peach. Now where's that tea?"

El Rondo's face immediately lit up. "Right this way! Follow me."

The withery pikmin calmly turned on his heel and stepped into the underbrush. Harry hurriedly followed him (he was quite hungry, and honeyed scones often accompany tea, as is customary of most sorcerer-like peach pikmin of lanky build). However, when he stepped into the bushes he was met with a rather solid...

...A rather solid... well...

...A rather solid stone wall. That's what it was!

SMACK!

"Ye-owch!!!"

Harry fell back on his bottom, holding his nose in pain, only to nick his left butt-cheek on his sword-edge (how he did this, as the sword has already been stated to be sheathed, is unknown). Upon leaping back up, rubbing his smarting rear-end, his nose decided to have a tender reunion with the stone wall.

Needless to say, this was much more than Harry could take.

"Oh, god, the pain!"

Luckily, El Rondo came to his assistance and stopped him from falling back on his sword.

"Geez, you'd think a pikmin would know not to walk into the wall!"

Harry glowered. "I entered in the same way and at the same place that you did! I couldn't possibly have run into a dumb ol' rock!"

El Rondo rolled his eyes and shoved Harry back into the bushes. Harry, expecting a nasty clash with the rock, was surprised to instead find himself inside a tiny little room.

It was quite cozy, actually.

"Food!" cried Harry, seeing a platter of exotic fruits. By the time El Rondo had entered the dwelling, Harry had already eaten all of the fruits and swallowed every last bit.

"Hmm," the peach pikmin wondered, picking up the platter. "Looks like I'll need to put in another order of X-lax Fruits."

The sorcerer disappeared into another equally small room, without noticing the look of horror plastered on Harry's face.

"X-lax Fruits?! Uhnnn..."

THUMP!!!

-----

When Harry finally woke up, he found out two things: one was that it is not pleasant to wake up and find yourself sitting in a 4 x 10 (inch) bathroom for seven hours. Two was that eating half a dozen laxative fruits does not in any way help the situation.

That, and there were only three squares of toilet paper.

And they stuck.

-----

After painfully extracting himself from the bathroom, Harry emerged back into the small dwelling. A little fire was crackling merrily in the hearth, and a happy yellow glow filled the room. The little table in the middle of the room now had a new platter of laxative fruits. There were four seats arranged around the table (the room was circular). El Rondo was seated in one of the chairs, and three strange looking pikmin sat in the others.

"WTF is going on here?" asked Harry in a stupified voice.

"Council are in session!!!!" screamed one of the three newcomers, a blue pikmin with no eyelids. Harry glared at him.

"Ah, Harry," replied a serious looking earless yellow pikmin with a dandelion puff on his head. "We have been waiting for you."

"...Who are you people?!"

El Rondo answered the question by guestering at a pink pikmin with a deep scar that ran from his right temple to the left corner of his mouth. "This is Queamy. He hails from Deepdeepdeeplandstothefareastwestnorth. He is a mighty warrior, and willing to serve your cause."

He then pointed towards the lidless blue pikmin with the creepy stare. "This is Goob. He hails from Shallowshallowcountrytothenearwestsouthduck. He is likewise a mighty warrior, and also willing to serve your cause.

Finally the peach sorcerer pointed to the third newcomer, the serious looking earless yellow pikmin. "And this is Drako. He... actually, nobody really knows where he hails from. But he is willing to serve your cause."

Queamy the pink pikmin stood up and took Harry's hand in a tight grip. Contrary to his feminine color, the pink pikmin was both buff and well proportioned in face (i.e., awesome square jaw). Cured leather and iron plates covered the majority of his body; a second deep scar could be seen peeking out from behind the plates on his chest. "Greetings, fellow warrior. May your company prove both honorable and legendary."

Harry didn't reply, because he was stopped by Goob the lidless blue pikmin.

"How are is be you???? Many happy good thanks for coming bathroom out of!!!! Long life!!!!"

With a start, Harry realized Goob's eyelids had been sliced off. "Wow, what happened to your..."

"iLids be cut off by bulbear in fight big!!!! Goob killy bulbear!!!! Bloody fleshbags all go dead die!!!!"

"Riiight..."

Drako slowly stood and greeted Harry with a slight nod of his head. "Good evening to you, heir of Horace. How is your sword?"

Harry raised his eyebrows suspicially (amazing since he didn't have any). He didn't like anybody taking interest in his sword. "Not too great, considering there were only three sheets of toilet paper left."

Drako was not amused. "I would advise you, heir of Horace, not to use your sword to wipe your unclean backside."

"Yeah, whatever. And just who stuck the tree up your pants?"

Drako growled. "It would be wise of you, heir of Horace, to hold back your tongue!"

"Gentlemin, please, please!" cried El Rondo, "Enough! We have WORK to do."

"Such as?" Harry raised a cynical eyebrow.

"Planning!!!!" grinned the lidless Goob.

SEVERAL HOURS OF POINTLESS JABBERING LATER...

"Ok... so we're supposed to walk down a winding path, find a way to cross the Limitless Ocean, and then somehow fight our way through a dangerous Evil Forest, before taking on the Terrible Overlord at his Castle of Uberness?"

"To clarify," replied El Rondo for the hundreth time, "Yes."

"Fine then." snorted Harry. "Where do we start?"

A moment later Harry found himself standing bewildered outside of El Rondo's home. Queamy, Drako and Goob exited through the bushes a moment later.

"How did-"

"Do not ask."

"That is perfectly fine by me."

-----

Now, you may think that our heroes were doomed when they came to the Limitless Ocean. After all, within the first five minutes of the expedition Goob had somehow eaten half the supplies. Sadly enough, it was all Doritos.

To quote Harry: "My Doritos!"

Back to the story.

Yes, the Limitless Ocean was vast and exceedingly deep (as its name implies). It was ravaged by pirates, sea-monsters, and all sorts of stuff like that. There was only one island, though it was many miles from the shore. It was said a clan of Ninja Pikmin dwelled on that island, constantly fighting with the Samurai Pikmin (their sworn enemies). But, as you can probably tell, our Four Adventurers had no way of actually _reaching_ said island.

Luckily, they found a boat.

Or, to be more precise, a coracle.

A small coracle, actually.

Very small.

Did I mention it was small?

Teeny-tiny.

Itty-bitty.

Miniscule.

Microscopic.

I think you get the picture.

Anyway, back to the story at hand. You see, it turns out that despite the, er, "proportions" of the boat, the entire group was able to fit in.

Well, almost everybody.

"Why does i have to be swim!!!???" cried Goob.

"Oh shut up already. At least you _can_ swim!"

"That is bad point!!!"

-----

Eventually, Goob figured out that he could get away with just holding on to the side of the coracle. Since the adventurers had only gotten a few yards out into the Limitless Ocean and several hours had passed, Harry decided to take advantage of the situation.

Thus, Goob became the rudder/propeller/fog-horn.

He was the best one for the job.

And so the adventurers continued for many days. They flew gracefully over the waves like a shimmering silver fish of heavenly light and majestic beaut... You know what, scratch that. The similiarites to Eragon there are just too scary for a kid's story.

-shudders-

In plain truth, of course, the four pikmin were miserable. This was caused mainly by Goob's incessant chatter, the despairing lack of food, and the fact that everybody who was actually IN the coracle was forced to sit on one another for room. Queamy, being the strongest, held Drako and Harry up on his shoulders. This was mildly unpleasant, as his two-handed mattock (look it up on wikipedia) was strapped onto his back as well.

And there was no bathroom. So as you can see, Harry soon found himself wishing grudgingly that he was the one swimming, and not Goob. Then he remembered he couldn't swim. It changed very little.

"There's a problem," stated Queamy matter-of-factly on the 32nd day of the voyage. "Goob just took the last prune."

"So? I hate prunes."

"It's all you've eaten for the past three weeks."

"That's because it's the only thing we had lef-... crap."

Everyone suddenly turned towards Goob, who was pleasantly munching on the shriveled little prune.

There was a momentary silence.

"Whatz???" Goob asked innocently.

Harry stared. "GIVE ME THAT PRUNE!!"

Without regard to his personal safety (or that of others), Harry threw himself at Goob.

"Mine!!!" wailed Goob, holding the prune at arm's length away from Harry.

"YOU GIVE ME THAT PRUNE THIS INSTANT!!" screamed Harry hysterically, slapping at his back for his sword.

"No!!!" replied Goob, sticking his upper lip out a surprising distance.

"GIVE IT OR I'LL EAT YOU ALIVE!"

Goob thought for a moment. And then bit himself on the arm. He chewed for a moment, then spat out a bit of blue flesh.

"Gak, teef!!!"

Furious, Harry swiped with his sword, clipping the tip off of Goob's leaf.

"Heyz!!!"

"PRUNE! PRUNE! PRUNE!!"

By now both Queamy and Drako had gotten involved. The coracle was veritably bouncing from wave to wave as the four pikmin punched, kicked, bit, smacked, slapped and spit to get at the prune.

Suddenly a silver fish of majestic beauty soared gratefully out of the shimmering waters and arced slowly through the air towards the prune.

It opened its mouth... Harry screamed "NO!"

...And was nabbed by a seagull. Which promptly alighted on Goob's outstretched arm and grabbed the prune.

There was silence for a moment.

"That dirty son of a bi-"

"MY PRUNE!!"

In a flash Harry leaped forward and bashed the seagull over the head with his fist, before grabbing it by the throat and twisting its neck, as well as pulling off both its eyelids and squeezing the eyeballs out of their sockets. It was a moment's work, and before anyone could stop him Harry had tore into the hapless bird.

"No, must have food!" screamed Drako and Queamy in unison.

"No, my precious!" screeched Harry, throwing the bird over his shoulder. "Be free, William! Be free!"

Everyone stared glumly at the sinking, waterlogged bird.

"Damnit to hell!!" roared Drako, smacking Harry upside the head.

It was at that very moment that everyone noticed that the prune had been dropped on the edge of the boat. Or coracle, whichever you prefer.

Again, silence.

"Dibs!" yelled Harry, diving over the other two pikmin in the boat and snatching at the prune.

"Harry, no!" barked Queamy and Drako (again with the unison).

But it was too late. Harry's outstretched fingers brushed the prune and sent it plummeting into the water.

Harry stared in shock. Queamy groaned. Drako bawled out loud. Goob sang the llama song.

**Holy Harry Potter Porn, Batman! It's an INTERMISSION!!!**

**INTERMISSION!!!**

_Here's a llama_

_There's a llama_

_And another little llama_

_Fuzzy llama_

_Funny llama_

_Llama llama_

_Duck_

_Llama llama_

_Cheesecake_

_llama_

_Tablet_

_Brick_

_Potato_

_Llama_

_Llama llama_

_Mushroom_

_Llama_

_Llama llama_

_Duck_

_I was once a treehouse_

_I lived in a cake_

_But I never saw the way_

_The orange slayed the rake_

_I was only three years dead_

_But it told a tale_

_And now listen, little child_

_To the safety rail_

_Did you ever see a llama_

_Kiss a llama_

_On the llama_

_Llama's llama_

_Tastes of llama_

_Llama llama_

_Duck_

_Half a llama_

_Twice a llama_

_Not a llama_

_Farmer_

_Llama_

_Llama in a car_

_Alarm a llama_

_Llama_

_Duck_

_Is this how it's told now?_

_Is it all so old?_

_Is it made of lemon juice?_

_Doorknob_

_Ankle_

_Cold_

_Now my song is geting thin_

_I've run out of luck_

_Time for me to retire now_

_And become a duck!_

**And now for something completely different!**

_I'm a lumberjack, and I'm ok!_

_I sleep all night. I work all day._

_MOUNTIES: He's a lumberjack, and he's ok. He sleeps all nights. He works all day._

_I cut down trees. I eat my lunch._

_I go to the lavatory._

_On Wedsndays I go shoppin'_

_And have buttered scones for tea._

_MOUNTIES: He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch. He goes to the lavatory. On Wedsndays he goes shoppin', and has buttered scones for tea._

_CHORUS: I'm a lumberjack, and I'm ok! I sleep all night. I work all day._

_I cut down trees. I skip and jump._

_I like to press wild flowers._

_I put on women's clothing_

_And hang around in bars._

_MOUNTIES: He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps. He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars?!_

_CHORUS: I'm a lumberjack, and I'm ok! I sleep all night. I work all day._

_I cut down trees. I wear high heels,_

_Suspendies, and a bra._

_I wish I'd been a girlie,_

_Just like my dear Papa._

_MOUNTIES: He cuts down trees. He wears high heels. Suspendies, and a bra??!!_

_CHROUS: I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok! I sleep all night. I work all day._

_Yes, I'm a lumberjack and I'm o-ka-y! I sleep all night. I work all day._

**Prepare for utter mirth!!!!**

Click Here for free updates at any time for future tales of the extremeties. All that is required is your site password, your full name, your real name, your REAL real name, a picture of yourself in underwear, a donkey, a credit card, your credit card, your child's credit card, a llama, a Wii with my name on it, a copy of Pikmin 3/SSBB, and your pin number. Thank you!

Next chapter will be:

Collections chapter! Will include Olimar parodying Rambo (heroes don't give up, they reload! lol), Big Al the oversized underachieving purple pikmin, Gynax the green pikmin (pyromaniac extraordinare), and Some Random N00b who goes around asking "how does you mine for fish???" AND MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

Brief description of myself:

Just look out the window at those bushes. I'll be the guy hiding in/behind/around them. Don't wet yourself!

_Briiiittttnneeeyyyy iiisssss cccoooommmiiinnngggg ffffooorrrrr yyyyyyyooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu! _

Have a nice day.

**Teh Ebay Song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

_A used... pink bathrobe._

_A rare, mein snow...globe._

_A Smurph... TeeeVeeee tray..._

_...That I bought on Ebaaaayyyy!!_

_My house... Is filled with... this crap!_

_Shows up in... bubble rap!_

_Most everyday, what I bought on... Ebaay!!_

_Tell me why! I need another pet rock!_

_Tell me why! I got that Alf alarm clo--_

"STOP! STOP!"

_What? What's wrong?_

"YOU'RE PLAGIARIZING WIERD AL!"

_I plagiarize a lot of people. What's the matter NOW?_

"YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR! CEASE AND DESIST NOW, OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!"

_OO (big scared eyes)_

"YOUR FINE WILL BE FIVE DOLLARS!"

_But I don't have five dolla-_

"THAT'LL BE **TEN **DOLLARS!"

_-sob-_

**What's this? Changes ahoy!**

HARRY: "Hey, Drako, would you please pass the popcorn? Thanks sooo, much."

DRAKO: "There will be a day when I kill you, heir of Horace."

GOOB: "Taping my eyelids back hurts... I want reimbursement pay."

QUEAMY: "Hey Drako-dude, weren't you supposed to say something about your..."

DRAKO: "Shhh! It's back on."

**END INTERMISSION**

**Meanwhile, back on the Ranch...**

"Watch out for that stampede!"

"Ack, a bulblax paddie!"

Teh moustache!!!!!!1

**Seriously, back to the story...**

Now, as you can expect after the long wait, our heroes have suffered through terrible depression and cannibalistic urges. In point of fact, Goob had only stopped eating himself because the seawater burned his gnaw marks. Five days had passed, and the pikmin were looking mighty thin. Harry lay on top of Queamy and Drako, his t-shirt and jeans replaced by threadbare rags (the jeans only hung down to his knees now), a frayed straw hat sat on his head and a beard was starting to grow.

Needless to say, everybody was far too busy to notice when the little coracle suddenly ran aground.

About an hour passed before anybody said anything.

"Just think," croaked Harry, "Nothing but water for thousands of miles in all directions, and we can't even drink a single friggin' drop."

"It's impossible to go on," muttered Drako, his skin cracked and bleeding. "We're all going to _die_ and I'll never get to rule the world."

Queamy just groaned.

Drako suddenly sobbed. "I can't take it any more! I'm going to throw myself into the ocean!"

Harry muttered in reply, "Gee, thanks. Can I have your spot?"

Drako did not reply, as he had already crawled out from under Harry and thrown himself out of the coracle with a dramatic sigh of relief.

THUMP!

Now, before you start wondering what Drako did as he lay facedown on the beach, I need to tell you just one thing: he didn't land on the beach. True, the coracle had run aground. True, he did make a loud and pronounced "THUMP!" sound. But this only further proves that he had landed on the back of a giant seaturtle that had come up behind the coracle just before a wave carried it (and him) back out into the sea.

Harry watched absentmindedly as Drako floated back out into the ocean. "Send us a postcard!"

Suddenly Goob appeared over him.

"AAGGH!"

"Hello!!! Why you not get out, there be food!!!"

It took a moment for this information to process in Harry's highly stressed pikmin brain. But when it did, you can bet that he and Queamy were rushing up the beach towards a small, malnourished coconut tree that only held one teeney weeney nut.

"It's mine, I call it!" yelled Harry, his hoarse voice and threadbare clothes back to their old health.

"Nay, I say it is mine!" barked Queamy, diving for the tree. Harry followed suit, and before you can yell: "Snap Crackle Pop!" they were flying through the air straight towards the hapless little tree.

Strangely, the only thing that rushed through the tree's brain was: "Oh no, not again..."

However, nobody ever hit the tree, because they were suddenly knocked unconscious by the flying ninja kicks of several... well... ninjas.

Not quite sure how that stopped them from landing on the tree, but it was still pretty awesome to behold.

-----

When they finally came back to their senses, Harry and Queamy found themselves being dragged along by their stems, with their hands tied behind their backs. It took them awhile to spit out all the sand and grit, but they soon found that they were being dragged up a grassy slope by a company of black ninjas.

With red eyes. Apparantly they were white. (wait, what???)

Angry white boys!

_(insert song Angry White Boys by Wierd Al)_

Though unable to speak because they now had grass in their nonexistant mouths, the two warrior pikmin were able to trade horrified glances when they say that they were being dragged in the direction of a massive ninja dojo, which was built up against several white-peaked mountains.

Things were not looking good.

-----

Turns out that the pikmin would have to climb a tall cliff to get to the top of a large granite plateau upon which the dojo was situated. It was a very unpleasant business; let's not discuss it.

2 HOURS LATER!

Panting as they stood on top of the plateau, Harry and Queamy found themselves face to face with some of the meanest, nastiest little ninjas you ever did saw.

"Goodokai," greeted one of the ninjas with a stiff bow, "To the Fortress of the Ninja Pikmin of our gracious island. Why were you stealing fruit?"

Harry gulped nervously. Queamy remained calm.

"Um... well, we were lost out at sea for many weeks, much of which without food or water. We were hungry."

"And thirsty."

"Yes, mustn't forget that."

The sensei who had spoken glared with red eyes. "The punishment for stealing from our gracious island is DEATH!"

Harry nearly fainted right off the nearly-a-mile-high plateau as the dozens of ninjas surrounding them drew their daggers, katannas, bo-staffs, throwing-stars, nunchuka, wakizachi, and other assorted weapons of ninja warfare.

"This does _not_ look good."

Queamy glared at the sensai, who was slowly striding forward with a katanna in hand and a black mask over his face (actually, pretty much his whole body).

"_Follow my lead,_" muttered the pink pikmin in Harry's ear.

"What?!"

With a yell, the sensai threw himself threw the air.

"FLYING NINJA-KICK OF TOE-JAM DEATH!!!! HYWAAAAA!!!!"

The ninja flew through the air in a straight line for almost twenty feet, without hardly having moved himself for a jump. How amatuer.

At the last moment, Queamy leaned his upper body to the right. Following his lead out of sheer reflex, Harry leaned left. The ninja sensai continued right on past them, leaf stuck out straight behind him, his foot still extended. As he passed, Queamy used his unsheathed katanna to cut his bonds.

The sensai continued on past the edge of the plateau, still yelling "HYWAAAAA!!!!", and then suddenly stopped, pointed himself foot-downwards, and started downwards.

For a moment the other ninja just stared at the spot where their leader had been lost from sight. Then they turned back to the criminals.

"Oh oh..."

"HYAYAYAAA!!!!!!!!!"

A hundred ninja charged at the two pikmin... one of whom still had his hands tied behind his back.

"Damnit, damnit, (following 'D' phrase censored, limit reached)!" screamed Harry, running to the edge of the cliff.

By now Queamy had whipped his two-handed mattock off his back and was turning the ninja warriors into sushi fit for chopsticks. Actually, the ninjas weren't doing too bad of a job themselves, despite the fact that they were mooks.

Many ninjas followed Harry and attacked him. Seeing his survival was at stake, Harry dodged left and right, sending ninjas plummeting over the cliff. One ninja (new challenger approaching!) lashed out with his twin katannas at lightning speed, only to have one of them stolen by Harry (he used his teeth) and get kicked square in the chest.

"Eatf itf!" mumbled Harry through a mouthful of kattana-handle.

The ninja flew backwards, stopped himself against a wooden pole, and shot back forwards in under the space of a second.

"Godda-" Harry was cut off by the ninja sliding at an incredible speed across the smooth granite, katanna oustretched, screaming al the way. For a moment our hero wanted to let the granite wear his belly out, or just kill him with the stolen katanna, but alas, he was forced to jump anyway.

Jump up, of course.

Screaming "HYAAA!" all the way, the ninja slid off the edge of the cliff. At the same time, the sensei was climbing back up (somehow he caught himself), and got a face full of katanna.

"(insert generic japanese monster-movie scream here)"

Meanwhile, Queamy was getting his ass royally kicked by the munchkin midgets (or midget ninjas, if that's what you want to call them).

"Harry, help!" he yelled in agony as a throwing star embedded itself in his forehead.

Quickly cutting his bonds with the stolen katanna, Harry drew his own sword and rushed into the fray. Sword flashed and ninjas fell by the dozens. Yet still they kept coming!

"Fall back to the cliff edge!" yelled Harry.

"We'll have to jump!" responded Queamy, covered in countless gorey bloody wounds.

Turning, our two heroes prepared themselves to jump. Suddenly, an army of samurai appeared (through a plot hole, apparantly)!

"Goob will save you!!!" screamed everyone's favorite blue pikmin as he ran foreward at the head of the samurai horde.

Suddenly every thing went to slow motion mode. Goob launched himself through the air, slicing through ninja ranks with a samurai katanna as he went. Harry and Queamy yelled "Wwwwwaaaaiiiiiiiitttttttt, nnnnnnnnoooooooooooo!" Goob continued to fly in slow mo, regardless, and passed right between them. At the same time, the sliding ninja from earlier appeared back over the edge of the cliff covered in his sensei's blood. The look on his face went from hysterical revenge-joy to horror and dishonor. Goob rammed headfirst into him and they both flew back over the cliff.

Time sped back up. Literally; it had time to make up for!

Harry and Queamy stared dumbfounded over the edge of the granite cliff.

"...Goob?" tears began to well up in Harry's eyes.

"Strange how one could become attached to one so asinine, is it not?" wondered Queamy aloud. "But a brave warrior he was, and his sacrifice has saved all our lives. In Goob's name, we shall go on, and defeat the evil overlo-"

Goob popped back over the edge of the cliff.

"Hello!!! How is ,samurai, battle go, win???"

Harry slapped him. "Goob, you moron, _don't do that_!!"

"Ok!!! Let us go find way off island, yes???"

Queamy held up a hand. "Hold on. First, we must find out if Drako is alive or dead. It is possible he washed back up on the shore and... Goob, how did you evade capture?"

"Long story, Goob no want to talk about it!!!"

Harry sighed and started to climb down. "Whatever. I just wanna get this over with so I can go back home."

"Agreed."

"Word!!!"

**To be continued...**

**Immediately!**

Turns out that Drako had somehow survived the extra time at sea. A mermaid found him just before the turtle resubmerged, and slowly nursed him back to health. This took several weeks, but during this time our heroes had also been nursed back to health by the samurai, who it turns out were deeply indepted to Goob. Further explanations pending.

Finally, our heroes left the island in a well-supplied fishing boat stolen from the so-far defeated ninjas. Along the way they came across a small rock atop which sat Drako and his mermaid girlfriend (a rather attracting cyan colored pikmin). Needless to say, they were locked in a rather... disturbing embrace.

"Drako! You're alive!" yelled Harry, waving from the bows of the boat.

Drako looked up. "Heir of Horace! How have you been? I see you have a roomier boat."

Goob whooped for joy. "Yellow pikmin dandelion puff has survived!!! Yay!!! Come aboard!!!"

Drako looked sorrowful. "My friends, I cannot come with you. I have found what I have always sought for... true love!"

Queamy nodded understandingly and threw his friend an apple. "For the proposition," he stated sagely.

And so the the remaining heroes sailed away on the wind, without Drako...

**Some time later...**

Harry yawned. "Man, I'm hungry. Where'd those samurai say they stored the food again?"

Queamy looked up from his newspaper on the poop deck. "Storehold."

"Oh yeah, thanks."

As Harry stepped into the dim hold, he was greeted by a nasty surprise. Well, not necessarily nasty... it was Drako.

"Drako! What are you doing in here? How did--"

Drako put up his hand. "Do not question me. I will just tell you that she wanted me to break her titanium chastity belt, and leave it at that."

Harry shuddered. "Ooh... tough luck, dude."

"Please don't talk about it."

-----

Our heroes continued on for many weeks, sailing through pirate infested waters. Many a time they saw the dreaded black sails of distant pirate ships on the horizon, but so far they had been lucky and avoided them.

Until now.

The grizzly blue pikmin captain jumped down onto the little sailing boat, a wicked rusty sword in his one good hand (the other had been replaced with a hook). A patch was over his eye, and his leg was now a peg. Wooden peg, that is.

"Give it up, boyz! Me ladz've got yer cornered! Where's the captain of this unlucky vessel?"

Harry gulped and raised his hand. "I guess I am, sir."

The Captain glared at him with his one good eye. A tiny little parrot cam and landed on his left shoulder.

"Arg! Skivver me timbers! I'm commandeering yore vessel, so get used to it! You'll be placed in the hold."

Drako snorted cynically. "Oh, yeah right. You guys are mooks, and there's only five of you. We can easily take you on."

**5 minutes later...**

Drako struggled at his bonds, the barrels in the ship's hold rubbing uncomfortably against his back.

"Stupid, stupid railroad plot!"

Harry yawned. "Nice of you to say that, after getting our asses kicked by a bunch of pirates armed with spoons and forks. Now, how are we going to get out of this predicament?"

"Cut our bonds, obviously." replied Drako. "Hold on, I think I can use the corner of this crate... --grunt--"

Goob yelled from the corner. "I has better idea!!!"

"What?"

He stood up and walked over to the door.

"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the other three adventurers.

"Mooks cannot tie good knots!!!"

Harry thought for a moment. "...Makes sense. But it's kind of ironic, since pirates pretty much rely on knots."

"So true, so true."

Everybody promptly shrugged off their ropes (except for Drako, who was well and properly tied by some warped miracle).

"Ok, everyone ready?" asked Harry after cutting Drako loose. Everyone responded in kind.

"Mutiny!!!" they screamed in unison, and burst open the door.

The pirates immediately leapt to their feet. "Oh oh, they mean business this time! Cap'n, what do we do?"

The Captain ran to a nearby iron crate. "We let loose... the PIRATENINJA!!!!!1"

Swinging his rusty sword, the Captain shattered the lock of titanium (wait, what?!) and let loose the dreaded and marginally insane Pirateninja. Some say he was born a pirate and raised by ninjas, before returning to the sea. Others say he was born a ninja and raised by pirates. Whichever way he came about, he ended up a very dangerous foe indeed.

"Hi-aaargh!" the Pirateninja roared, attacking with katanna and cutlass.

In a move that surprised everyone, however, the Pirateninja attacked the Captain.

"Wait, huh?"

After brutally finishing his tormentor (in a method that shall not be mentioned) the Pirateninja turned on the pirates. It was a rather gruesome spectacle, and covered our heroes in greasy grimy gopher guts.

Among other things. Vile things...

"Hi-aaargh!" the Pirateninja roared again, this time attacking our heroes.

At first numbers appeared as if they would win the day, but then the Pirateninja kicked Drako back into the ship's hold, impaled Queamy on both swords, and ate Goob. Harry, now alone, fought valiantly with his sword, but the Pirateninja was far too skilled. A mighty blow sent his equally mighty sword sailing through the air.

"(censored for obvious reasons), this calls for special measures!"

Pulling his sword from the deck timbers, Harry fled up into the deck timbers. The Pirateninja followed with a mighty jump, screaming "Hi-aaargh!" all the way.

Harry parried and counterattacked with gusto, but he was plainly outmatched. And then, the Pirateninja tripped him! Harry fell over backwards and found himself in a very precarious position. Luckily, he had one last trick up his sleeve.

Grabbing a rope, Harry rolled off his perch and swung through the air. The Pirateninja, however, had other plans and cut the rope. Harry was lucky yet again, of course, because he caught another rope.

Now joined by the Pirateninja, Harry and his foe swung wildly in circles around the main mast, the clang of their swords to be heard every time they passed one another. Finally, the ropes wrapped completely about the mast, leaving Harry and the Pirateninja face to face.

"Take this!" screamed Harry, striking the mast with his sword and splitting both ropes. Both red pikmin and Pirateninja pikmin fell heavily to the deck below. Recovering himself, Harry stood upright, but the Pirateninja was already charging. "Hi-aaargh!"

Harry had one final trick left up his sleeve, the last phase of his plan. The Pirateninja was shocked to see him slice one last rope, and looked up.

"CRASH!" the sails came crashing down on the Pirateninja, along with a large crate. Where did the crate come from? Nobody really knows.

Harry sat, panting. He thought it was over.

Suddenly, the Pirateninja reemerged! "Hi-aaargh!" it screamed as it charged furiously.

As it was charging, however, a katanna protruded from its stomach and Goob sliced himself free (if you were paying attention, he was eaten, remember?). With a gasp, the Pirateninja through himself into the ocean.

"Well, that was fun!!!" yelled Goob, covered in unmentionable things.

Drako emerged from the ship's hold and Queamy painfully extricated himself from the poop deck (don't ask).

"We have won!" exclaimed Drako, "But at a price; we have lost our sails and the timbers are damaged. At least the pirates have a better ship!"

And so the heroes moved their belongings and supplies to the pirate ship, which was drawn up alongside, and then cut the ropes and sailed away. A minute later, their smaller ship exploded. I wonder why? Hmm...

-----

Goob eventually took to wearing the Captain's old pirate hat, and wearing an eye-patch. He also demanded to be called "Cap'n" and threatened the other adventurers with walking the plank. In addition, he could not be torn away from the steering-wheel thingy, so he became the navigator. Luckily, Goob did not sleep.

Weeks passed. Food ran out. Water became scarce. It looked like another prune incident was about to happen, when suddenly the ship ran aground.

Needless to say, there was much kissing of sand and oaths of never again sailing a boat or looking at the sea.

The heroes set off into the nearby dark forest... Little did they know that it was the Evil Forest of Dreadful Evils... And that one of their number would _die._

Ooh, not funny.

-----

Harry led the group tentatively at first; he was chosen for one reason and one reason only. The size of his plimith helmet.

Ooh, burn.

The forest was dark and gloomy. Bats filtered between the overgrown gnarled trees, which groped evilly at our heroes. There were no animals. Other than the bats, of course. Still, the silence was often broken by wild howls and dreadful growls in the distance.

In all, very scary stuff.

"Why do I have the feeling we've passed this very tree three times before?"

"We're in an evil forest. It's full of similiar-looking trees!"

Suddenly the group came to a clearing. But it was not a normal clearing; oh no, it was the new home of the dreaded Raerbit of Caerbannog! You see, he had not really died in Monty Python's Holy Grail. After all, you never really see it DIE do you? Still, he had already amassed a fair amount of bodies around his lair.

Our heroes knew nothing of this.

"What's that???" called Goob, pointing at a little fuzzy white animal. It looked rather scared and overtly harmless.

"It's... it's a _rabbit_."

"It's a bunny, you mean."

Harry looked closer. "By jove, you're right! And it looks strangely familiar."

"I is going to pet it!!!"

"Now hold on, Goob, look at all these mangled carcasses. The monster that did this could be lying nearby, using the white bunny as bait."

"Or maybe the bunny is the monster, and it's just in disguise."

"Nonsense! The monster is hiding nearby. Probably in that big blood-spattered hole."

Goob grabbed a nearby thigh bone and advanced forward. "Must... Pet... BUNNY!!!"

Needless to say, nobody could stop them.

Nor did they want to, for some reason.

Goob reached the bunny. It looked up at him, now unscared.

"Lil bunny!!! Come to papa Goob!!!"

The bunny gave a loud, audible hiss. Harry looked concerned.

"Uh... Goob? You might want to get away from there now."

"Yay, bunny!!!"

Goob promptly leaned forward and went to bonk the bunny on the head.

"Oh god no!!!"

Dear lord, it was terrible. The horror! The blood! The carnage!

Now, before you read further, dear reader, I must explain a few things.

Yes, the bunny is the Raerbit of Caerbannog. Most of you already knew this. The rest did not, so the joke is on them. Ha!

However, the person that went "Oh god no!!!" was NOT Goob.

It was the Raerbit of Caerbannog. Or, as it is more commonly known, the Vorpal Bunny.

Goob had succeeded in bonking it on the head.

With a screech, the bunny flew through the air at Goob's throat. With a pronounced scream, everybody's favorite blue pikmin's head seperated from his head, promptly accompanied by a fair stream of blood. I am happy to say... I mean sorry to say, that this time Goob is not going to make a great comeback.

"Oh my god, it killed Goob!" screamed Drako.

"Kill it!" screamed Queamy.

"Off with its head!" screamed Harry.

"Peanuts!" screamed Donuts.

xRoflx

Our three remaining heroes attacked with wild abandon. However, their axes and swords (or fists, in Drako's case, as I have never described him having a weapon. HA!) were useless against the mighty Vorpal Bunny, innocent as it looked.

In short, Queamy's head soon joined Goob's on the ground and Drako's limbs and stem were quick to fall in the large, noxious hole. Harry remained alone, and the single survivor so far.

"Ack! You won't have me!" he screamed, when the Vorpal Bunny suddenly lunged forward and bit him fiercely on the arm. "Yowch!" Harry dropped his sword.

At that very moment, the fingers of Harry's free hand convienently brushed against a smooth round object, which he quickly grabbed and looked at.

"A holy hand grenade! What luck! 1... 2... 5!"

Nothing happened.

"I mean three!"

And with that, Harry bonked the Bunny over the head with the grenade, shoved it into its mouth, and high-tailed it out of there with his sword, all with heavenly angelic music playing in the background.

The grenade exploded.

Again, the Bunny is not shown to be dead.

Drat.

-----

Harry wondered long in that dreaded forest, without companions.

Then he had a vision.

It revealed three things:

1: his friends were actually alive

2: they were being held in the Evil Overlord's fortress

3: cheesepuffs ate Chuck Norris

4: there is no four

5: there is no five either

6: bum bum, ba bum bum baaam!

7: seriously, stop

Anyway, now that Harry had a reason to go on living, and knew where the Evil Overlord's fortress was, he bandaged his arm (gang grene was starting to set in anyway) and dashed off to save his friends.

It would be a short and dangerous journey through many yards of underbrush, briars and cobwebs.

No spiders. Just cobwebs.

And then he was there.

-----

Harry balked at the immensity of the fortress. The seven-foot thick walls of black iron glared down menacingly at him, and the mile-tall black walls, built with numerous overhangs, were completely unscalable.

"Sonovacrap!" moaned Harry as the black clouds let loose another lightning strike on the upmost towers. The blue arc struck the tallest of the towers, sending sparks in all directions. Needless to say, Harry could not see them. Those towers were very tall.

"...Well that was unnecessary," snorted the red pikmin. Then he noticed that the brief flash of light had illuminated a small alcove in the nearby wall. The glint of a button-panel cuahgt his eye. He ran over to investigate.

"What a relief, it's a convienantly placed local elevator!"

Harry hastily pulled a lever on the panel upwards (don't ask me how) and pressed a large green button. Then he waited. And waited.

Nothing happened.

Harry repeated the process. This time he waited an entire _minute and a half_ (that's 90 seconds for the uneducated among you).

Still nothing happened.

"Son of a $#&!!!" cried Harry, whipping his sword out of its sheath and bringing it crashing down on the panel and circuit board.

After about an hour of destroyuing the elevator later, Harry stepped out... and noticed a peculiar sign that his sword had somehow left untouched.

"Hmm... 'Warning: elevator takes 91 seconds to calibrate.'"

..."Goddam--"

Lightning flashed and thunder clapped.

-----

For hours and hours Harry sat in front of the walls under one of the overhangs, wrapped in his cloak. The rain was pouring down now, and there was still no way for him to get inside. He would have battered down the gates of course.

But there were no gates. So that plan was immediately scratched.

For housr this continued.

Then Harry had an idea.

-----

**Monster Guard #172:** so I tells 'im, go to hell! We don't want your kind here.

**Toadmin #13:** ha ha! What a loser. We don't even have cooking utensils.

**Monster Guard #58:** and who would want vaseline? Roflolmao.

**Toadmin #Umpteen:** ...somehow, I just never know what exactly is going on.

**Monster Guard #22198:** look everybody, it's Bob! How ya doin' Bob?

**Harry (in disguise) #1:** uh, hey guys... Did you know you left the secret entrance open? You should really check that out.

**Toadmin #49:** ...Here's the keys! We'll lose our jobs! C'mon everybody, let's go unconvienently leave our posts to go check out a door that we don't have that may be fake and probably isn't open at all!

**All together now!:** ok!

The monsters and toadmin and creepy crawlies all ran (or crawled) in the direction that Harry had come. He quickly whipped off his stuffy cloak and walked calmly inside.

No, I will not tell you how he got in in the first place. Nobody can survive that tale unscarred.

Anyway, back to the story at hand...

The fortress was dark and dank. The rain was still pouring outside of course, and the lightning was still breaking, and the thunder was still clapping (uproarously, in fact), and the dramatic pipe organ music was still playing (to heighten the tension, of course). All in black and white.

Groovy. Or is it the bee's knees? Ah, who cares, nobody can remember that stuff anyway.

Harry hurriedly snuck past the guards and continued into the fortress.

-----

"This sneaking is costing me too much time!" thought Harry. "I must think of a faster way!"

Pause.

Unpause.

"I know, I'll slice and hack my way through all these monsters and toadmin and mad scientests and bulbmin!"

With a roar, Harry drew his sword and rushed out of the shadows into the dining hall. The great arcing ceiling was of course lost in the dim light, and all the monsters looked up from their sandwiches and scones. It was, after all, tea time.

Pause.

No unpause, stays paused.

Lol.

Unpause!

Roflcopter.

Tricked ya'!

..."ATTACK!" Harry screamed to save time. The monsters ran to their battle stations.

This left Harry alone in the great hall.

"Wow... that was... effective."

He sheathed his sword and ran up the stairs conviently placed to the left and up.

Three monsters were coming down the stairs. One had one eye, one had two, and another had none. Needless to say, the one with no eyes was leading the way and driving the car.

There was no care.

Peanuts.

"Get 'im!" someone yelled. It might have been Harry again, who knows. These monsters were rather slow lugs.

"I shouldn't have sheathed my sword," sighed Harry, pulling it out for what seemed like the trillionth time. It probably was, but I don't care. Onwards!

Riposte! Harry put out the eyeless monster's eyes. Then he actually stabbed it, and threw it off the stairs. It immediately hit the floor.

After all, it didn't have very far to fall.

Unguarde! Harry chopped off the second monster's arms. Since it didn't have arms, he quickly stabbed it through the belly and cut it into thirds, then kicked the pieces off the staircase.

Again, not very far to fall.

"Spare me!" screamed the last monster, which had one eye and many legs. And a tail. "I have a wife and kids!"

"Dear lord, how many?"

"32."

Harry immediately put the monster out of its misery and shoved its body off the staircase.

Strangely, this one fell quite a ways before it hit the ground.

Then again, evil overlord's castle. This thing is to be expected.

-----

Teh Wonkjers!

Seriously though, the monsters and toadmin were never ending. Harry had sliced himself silly, and he still wasn't at the top of the tower.

"Must... keep... going! Gak! Heart attack!"

Luckily, however, Harry was equipped with a bottle of Asprin, and kept on going! Huzzah!

Finally Harry reached the door at the top of the spiral stairs. He'd reached it! He could save his friends and kill his enemies!

Harry opened the door.

More stairs.

"Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!"

Harry continued, hacking his way past a toadmin who happened to be on a smoke break.

"My cigarette!"

But apparantly he hated smokers, so the toadmin went out a window.

The window was nothing more than a slit so nobody could climb through it.

Go figger.

-----

Finally Harry reached the doors at the top. He was smattered and smeared with blood, his sword now red, his arm dripping fluid all the way up to the elbow, sweat mopping his hairless brow. He wiped it off, and, panting and gasping, stepped through the door.

At first he could see nothing but darkness. Then his eyes adjusted (a bit too quickly, perhaps) and he saw Goob and Queamy tied up on the floor nearby. There appeared to be nothing else.

"Mmf!" called Queamy!

"Mmf!!!" called Goob!

No difference there!

Harry ran over. "Guys! You're alright! Where's Drako?"

Goob and Queamy shook their heads and pointed towards the door with their buds and flowers. Harry turned. The door remained ajar, and the doorway empty.

"What? Down there? Awwww... you have to be &$#$$#$WE kidding me!"

"Mmf! Mmf!"

"Mmmff!!!"

Harry realized something was up and went to cut his friends' ropes.

He was too late.

"Hello Harry."

All the lights went on simultaneously. Harry now realized he was standing in the middle of a very large room, surrounded by masked black pikmin, all of whom were armed with broad-bladed spears.

"Oh... crap."

Nearby was a raised platform. Leading up to it was a flight of stone steps. On top of the platform was a large chair. A throne, it was.

And on the throne was Drako.

"I see you've finally arrived, heir of Horace," spoke Drako nonchalantly. One leg was crossed over the other and he was leaning back on the throne.

Harry gasped. "Wow! You're the villian! Nobody expected that! How did you do it, Drako?"

Drak growled. "You mortal fool! I am not Drako, I am..."

He stepped forward and hastily washed his face in a basin of water.

He stood up.

"I... am..."

"You still look the same. Yellow, no ears, big watery eyes, wimpy demenour. Dandelion puff... what exactly is UP with that thing, anyway?"

Drako turned back to the water and scrubbed his face. This time he checked.

"Still the same. Jeez..."

He washed harder. This time, he was ready.

"I..."

Drako began to turn around.

"Am..."

His face was now partially exposed. And it wasn't yellow.

"Holocaust!"

Women shrieked in the background. Harry snorted.

"Your face is rubbed raw, moron. It's _pink_."

With a growl, Drako/Holocaust reached up and peeled the paint off his face with his bare hands. Now he was BLACK!

"Fear me, mortal! For I will rule the world!" he chuckled evilly. It became a laugh!

"Mwahahaha! MWAHahahaha! MWAHAHA! MWAHHAAAHA! MWWAHAHAHAHA-choke, gasp, hack, cough BLECH!"

After drinking from a goblet of wine, Holocaust cleared his throat and walked down the steps.

"I am the Overlord, Harry. And you, as you have no doubt realized what has happened, will listen to me now."

"You're a travelling monkey from the Ringley Brothers Family Circus and want to solicitate my money for use against the poor?"

..."No, that is not what happened! Since my high hopes for you have apparantly failed, I will explain it..."

Harry rolled his eyes.

"...Through flashback!"

"Oh, god, no! We don't have that kind of time!"

"...Fine, be that way. I'll just explain it. But it won't be as funny! Jackbutt."

"The term is 'jackass'."

"Whatever."

And with that, Holocaust started to explain...

-----

"I started several months ago. I had just killed who I thought to be the last heir of Horace, and thrown his sword into a river, when I learned it had gotten to you. So I formulated a plan. A nefarious plan..."

"Get on with it already! One of your armed guards just touched my butt with his spear."

"Patience! Anyway... I quietly bribed El Rondo behind everybody's back, and took him into my confidence. He, in turn, misinformed dear old Bob Barker, and Bob Barker got you to El Rondo. That's when I made my move. I invited two others, Goob and Queamy, those unfortunates, and slowly drew you into my nefarious plan. I would have you help me get back to my castle. Though you failed miserably many times, here I am. And now I have the Ultimate Weapon! Or is it the Great Weapon? I forget. We'll go with Great Weapon; I like it better."

"Continue?" -rolls hands-

"Ah, yes, as I was saying. I will rule this realm, as I have ruled others! Soon, all the universes will be under MY control, and I will bring about a golden age of tyrany and oppression! With my Great Weapon... I WILL RULE THE MULTIVERSE!"

-crickets churped-

"That's it? You just monologued to me, gave away your entire plan, and you DIDN'T EVEN TIE ME UP?"

"No, why?"

"Sigh. Look, I've still got my sword. Right now, I could run you through. The only reason I'm NOT running you through RIGHT NOW is because the Author plans to use you in later chapters as a main or secondary villain, and as such me killing you would create the plot hole of all plot holes. The world would be destroyed!"

Holocaust thought for a moment. "You know what, that might be a good idea. Unfortunately, I've already set this one in motion. Prepare to see the Great Weapon!"

Harry shrugged. "Ah well. It's worth a try. YARGH!"

He whipped around, cut the bonds that held Goob and Queamy, decapitated two black guards, and then turned around and ran Holocuast neatly through the back.

Holocaust stared at the sword protruding from his stomach. Then he turned around.

"Wow, that was rather convenient. Would you care to replay that in slow motion? I would like to see it again, and the blood is starting to pool in my lungs, so let's hurry up, shall we?"

Harry, in his arrogant pride, of course said "Yes! Of course!"

**SloMo Action Replay!!!**

Harry slow-mow turned around at excrutiatingly slow pace, slowly sawed through the ropes that held his friend, slowly turned around and hacked off the heads of both guards in slow-motion, and then turned around and lunged forward to impale Holocaust.

"Nice try," laughed the black colored pikmin with the dandelion puff. BANG! he let loose with a conveniantly-placed double-barreled shotgun and destroyed Harry's sword, as well as knocking him out.

When Harry came to, he and his two friends were being herded to the roof of the tower. "Stupid slow motion! I should have never fallen for such an obvious trick! And now my sword is destroyed... -sob-"

The guards surrounded the three heroes and Holocaust, all the yellow paint now completely removed, was handed a large remote control that was adorned with two big buttons; one was red and one was blue. He pressed the blue one.

"My plot to rule the multi-verse begins!" he screamed hysterically.

Suddenly the world began to shake. Continents split! Families broke apart! Lemon juice spilled on expensive dinner jackets! Pikmin of all colors, genders and occupations screamed in horror as the world opened up and the Limitless Ocean poured into itself, the Dark Forest collapsed into a giant hole, and the sun began to set. That last part is just to make the sky glow orange and yellow, so pay no need to it.

The Great Weapon slowly appeared in the far distance, a massive missile of untold proportions and ingredients of destruction. The warhead was the size of twenty Bob Barkers! Wow. Unnecessarily big.

Suddenly Harry had an idea.

"Wait! Holocaust! I have an idea!"

Holocaust turned.

"Huh?"

"Come explain to me what that thing is and what your plan is one more time."

Holocaust sighed and walked over. The guards parted. Harry went down on one knee. Holocaust now stood over him. Lots of sentences for one measly description, rolflolmao (the implications of this defy all laws of physics). An innocent, goofy smile appeared on his face.

"Would you pwease expwain to me what the f--k is going on now?? Pwease??" suddenly Harry was equipped with a marvelous set of Bambi eyes.

Holocaust smiled. "And to think, heir of Horace, that I had such high hopes for you."

"Yes, you did!"

In a flash Harry stood, his left knee raised as high as possible.

There was an audible crack of groin.

Queamy gasped.

The guards stumbled back in shock.

Goob screamed.

Donuts screamed "Peanuts!"

Cake fell off a shelf.

:-)

Holocaust groaned. His eyes grew as big as dinner plates.

(high pitched voice) "Ow... mommy..."

Harry laughed and cut his bonds with the spear of a guard, who was frozen in shock and awe.

"Buy me some time!" he ordered Queamy and Goob, cutting their bonds as well and impaling the guard. Seems that Harry was rather quick with his weapons, eh?

Queamy grabbed a spear and Goob grabbed a guard. Both began to flail about and impale the rest of the guards, distracting them for just long enough for Harry to charge forward and tackle the guard holding the remote control over the parapets of the tower.

"Aiieeeeeee(generic japanese monster movie scream here)!!!!" went the guard as he fell past the clouds to the ground far below. Harry, however, grabbed a flag pole that stuck out horizontally, and with his other hand he grabbed the remote control.

"Ah ha!" he exclaimed. The Great Weapon, which was a very giant missile, had almost fully emerged. In a minute it would explode. "Common logic says that if somebody presses one button out of two to activate a weapon, the other button must DEactivate it. And since Holocaust pressed the blue button, I just have to press the red button.

He hit the red button with his thumb.

(computerized voice)"_Thank you for activating Great Weapon self-destruct sequence. Missile will explode in ten minutes. Have a nice day!_"

"Goddam--"

The world began quaking violently as the Great Weapon started it's count down sequence.

At the same time, massive doses of radiation turned 99 of the world's population into hyperventilating cannibal zombies.

Pwned.

Queamy and Goob appeared over the edge of the parapets and dragged Harry up. "Quick, we haven't much time!"

Harry looked very angry.

"You fool!" cried Holocaust. "You've doomed us all! Mwahahahhahaha! -i am teh overlordz-"

"Well how was I supposed to know the big red button would destroy the world?!"

Harry walked over to Holocaust, who was just recovering himself and reaching for a large triple-barreled shotgun, and kicked him in the nuts a second time. He then proceeded to kick the crap out of his stomach.

"You dirty rotten #$$!$$#$#$#!!!!!!" he screamed. "You broke my sword!!!!!!!! Wiped out my family!!!!!!!! And destroyed the world!!!!!!!! Now we have to make a last stand against the zombies!!!!!! You $#$#$$#$#&#$&$#$!!!!!!!!"

Holocaust gasped and wheezed. "In actuality, YOU destroyed the world."

Harry kicked yet again and shut him up.

"C'mon guys. We're leaving."

**5 MINUTES LATER...**

Our three heroes had armed themselves with the guards' spears and a trio of stolen trash can lids for shields. They were now blocking a narrow passageway that led up to the fortress. A horde of billions of zombies was approaching. The planet Plik was going to hell in a handbasket.

"_Attaaaaaack!_" screamed the zombies. "_For the braaaaaaiiiinsss!_"

Billions of cannibalistic zombies surged forward, armed with all sorts of weapons that ranged from sticks and stones to torches and pitchforks to triple-barreled fully automatic .12 gauge shotguns. Wow.

The heroes, however, were stoic. "Fight to the last pikmin!"

"There be only three of us!!!"

"Screw that idea, retreat!"

The three heroes stabbed and thrusted and wore skimpy red underwear and capes (Gerard Butler would have been proud) but they could not defeat the zombies that swarmed into the narrow passageway.

-----

And now, Doctor Phil!

The good doctor motioned for Burt the Zombie (yay, name-change!) to sit down. He did so.

"This is Dr. Phil McGraw. And YOU have a problem, my friend! Eating the brains of your friends and family is NOT the right thing to do, Bill. You need HELP."

"Well... I've just got this addiction to brains... I can't help it man! Last night, I got so juiced that I waited for the stop sign to change, and it DID!"

"That's all well and nice, Burt, but you can't eat friends and family... Burt? Burt... You're thinking of eating my brain right now, aren't you Burt?"

Burt quickly wiped the drool off his chin with one rotting arm. It immediately fell off; he left it on the floor, twitching and crawling around madly. Disgusting.

"No, I am not, I'm just... um... BRAAAAAAIIIIINSSSS!!!!!!!1"

Doctor Phil gave a cry of shock as Burt lurched forward. Luckily, however, and I'm sure his fans already know this, but Doctor Phil always keeps a handy pump-action triple-barreled shotgun under his chair.

"Eat lead, f--kwhit!" laughed the good doctor, letting loose with all three barrels.

"Oh god, teh humanities!!!!!!!!1" screamed Burt, all twenty one bits and pieces of him flying backwards into the wall (there was much more than that, twenty one is just a funny number).

"Doctor Phil will pwn you all! Die, die, die!"

Phil stood atop his chair as the audience members lurched forward, moaning and grumbling about brains, and went into fully automatic mode. .12 gauges are not meant for such work... UNLESS, they happen to be triple-barreled, and as we all know, this one was.

BANG, BANG, BANG!

"Aaaaiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

-----

Meanwhile, the zombies were about to overrun our three blood-spattered heroes, despite the wall of bodies they had created by not being able to avoid the spears.

"We have just one option left!" called Harry, stabbing a zombie that strangely resembled El Rondo through the chest. "My eye!" it screamed.

"What's that?" questioned Queamy, smashing a zombie over the head with his trash can lid. "My foot, my foot!" it cried.

"Song and dance!!!" laughed Goob, throwing a zombie back into the crowd. "I'll sue you for that!" it roared.

The moaning and groaning zombies stopped in their tracks; they immediately hushed up the zombie that Goob had just thrown back into the crowd.

"WTF? They're dancing! Let's watch."

Yes, in all fact the three heroes WERE dancing! And to what song? Why... the Numa Numa Dance! Or as it is known in Romania, Dragostea Din Tei. Huzzah!

**(I does not own this song. It would be wise to go to Youtube in another window now, and listen to the Numa Numa Song movie created by Gary Brolsma. Trust me, it is necessary. And totally worth the trouble. Trust me. And now...)**

**(...wait's a minute...)**

**(...Ok, you got it? Then let's gooooo!!!)**

_Ma-ia-hii  
__Ma-ia-huu  
__Ma-ia-hoo  
Ma-ia-haha  
__**(repeat x4)**_

_Alo, Salut, sunt eu, un haiduc,  
Si te rog, iubirea mea, primeste fericirea.  
Alo, alo, sunt eu Picasso,  
Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic,  
Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic._

_Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.  
**(repeat x2)**_

_Te sun, sa-ti spun, ce simt acum,  
Alo, iubirea mea, sunt eu, fericirea.  
Alo, alo, sunt iarasi eu, Picasso,  
Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic,  
Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic._

_Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.  
**(repeat x2)**_

_Ma-ia-hii  
Ma-ia-huu  
Ma-ia-hoo  
Ma-ia-haha  
**(repeat x4)**_

_Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.  
**(repeat x2)**_

**(end of song, duh)**

By now the zombies were dancing in unison with the three heroes, who were playing various instruments ranging from drums to guitars on top of the raised checkered platform. Also, strobe lights had lowered into the frame from who knows where, and large speakers were blaring Dragostea Din Tei.

Suddenly, at the very moment that the song ended, Holocaust appeared with a giant sword and began to wave it wildly in the air.

"I have done it! I have won!"

And on that note, the world exploded.

-----

**At long last, after months of off and on hard, diligent work and laziness, sloth and potatoes, I have completed Chapter 6 of the dubious (some might say infamous) Tales of the Extreme. The [hopefully sly pop-culture references, the constant set-backs, loss of a great section of the story, and death threats (wait, what?) were all worth it. I am proud to say... with more than a little bit of pride... that CH. 6 IS FINALLY HERE!**

**Of course, you already knew that.**

**You did know that... right?**

**R&R**


	7. It's LIVE! but wout teh xbox

**This is what comes from too many mushrooms.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own pikmin, please do not sue.**

--

A tall, well-shaven pikmin sat atop a stool, which in turn sat atop a stage, which in turn sat atop Bob Alder (wait, who?).

"Welcome, my gentles and gels!" the pikmin waved a handful of papers at the audience. A loud cheer emanated from the seats.

"Ah, good, I see my supporters were able to pack most of the seats." The pikmin smiled and took a bow from his seat.

The audience laughed. The pikmin (who wore a black suit and tie) looked up. "No, I was serious."

Several tough looking purple pikmin in the second row rolled up the sleeves of their tuxedos and cracked their knuckles. The Host (we'll call him Steve) chuckled uneasily and tugged at his collar.

"Um, ahem... yes. Ok! We all know why we're here, right?"

A white pikmin in the back stood up and yelled. "The Grammies!"

Everyone turned and glared at the pikmin.

"Ahh... no." Steve shook his head. The stool rattled under him. "The Grammies are a corrupt, biased event."

"And this isn't?" somebody commented from a balcony.

Steve craned his neck to the side and whispered something into the lapel of his tux. A moment later several tough looking security guards came up behind everybody in the balconies carrying stun batons.

"Hey, what's going on?" somebody yelled. WHACK! A guard smacked him senseless and shoved him out of the balcony.

"You can't do this!" screamed several pikmin. Regardless, the guards herded them to the edge of the balconies and shoved them over.

"Sorry about the mess, folks!" Steve chuckled. Moans and screams of agony filled the air (apparently several falling pikmin were able to break their fall using the seats and bodies of those beneath them). "We'll clean that up later."

Crickets chirrped. The guards brought out several bottles of root beer and kicked their heels up on the balcony rails.

"Anyway, let me tell you why we are here. It's finally time for... A COLLECTIONS CHAPTER!"

A wild cheer erupted from the crowd.

"Ok, settle down. Pace yourselves, this is going to be a long show."

Nobody commented. Bob Alder squirmed beneath the stage.

"Well," stated Steve, waving his arm. He flipped through his notes. "Let's get this show on the road! And now, our first guest... Willy Wally, everybody's favorite actor!"

A red pikmin walked in from the side of the stage, wearing a tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows. He waved as he walked. Cheers, hoots, hollers and clapping ensued. Willy pulled up a chair and sat down next to Steve.

"Well Steve, how's it going?"

"Code Potato," whispered Steve into his lapel.

Willy looked stunned. "Huh?! Come again!"

Somebody yelled in the back.

"Shoot him now!"

A gunshot rang out. Stunned silence ensued.

"Is everybody alright?" Steve called, cupping his hands. A lady pikmin screamed in the front row and fainted.

Willy flopped over backwards out of his stool.

"Damn, third guy this week," a guard muttered, gripping Willy under the tweeded armpits and dragging him off the stage.

Steve sighed. "Well, crap. Ok, we'll be starting with the first short (of course) in which Willy starred in. D-Now!"

The curtains fell and a huge plasma screen Tv (with surround sound!)

**D-Now, Storming the Beaches of Normalcy since 19333!**

**OMG Beach, Gang Grene Sector**

The huge fleet of landing craft, packed to the gills with pikmin of all colors (except for blues, of whom there were few). They were headed for the big beach, which was populated with huge hordes of entrenched toadmin with spiky helmets.

Not a pretty picture.

Sergeant Doublenose, a stocky, well built red pikmin (played by the ex-stunning Willy Wally), whispered orders to his unit.

"Ok, we'll be unloading the boat in full view of the enemy machineguns that are stationed up on the hill. There's no cover except for the dead bodies of whoever happened to be in front of you, so I suggest you draw lots right now for who gets to sit in the back."

A yellow pikmin punched a white pikmin in the face and jumped over him into the back. A few more followed his example and jostled for Best Position (inside joke!! lawl).

"Ok, now the toadmin machineguns are set up so that they can see us anywhere we go and rake us. They have mortar and lots of infantry as well, so you can scratch the armored support."

"#!t!" cursed a purple pikmin who wore a helmet five sizes too small.

"We'll have to aim for the blind spots that the machine-guns can't swivel to shoot at. Unfortunately, there are none. Do you know what that means?"

Everybody in the landing craft chorused "Suicide charge!"

"That's right!" responded Doublenose, thumping a white pikmin a little too heartily on the back and toppling him over the edge into the seawater with a splash. The Sergeant ignored this and continued. "Now remember, our blood will be sacrificed in a glorious lost cause, and we will forever be remembered as the gutsiest troops ever to run madly across a mine-infested, barb-wire crossed, machinegun-laden deathtrap battlefield!!"

A red pikmin in the back raised his hand in question. "Uh, sir? Is that necessarily a good thing?"

Doublenose shook his head. Two other pikmin immediately lifted the red pikmin over their shoulders and heaved him into the ocean.

"Waah!" sploosh

"Ok, everybody ready?"

The soldiers nodded faster than you can say "gee golly-gosh whiplash, batman!".

The landing craft jolted as it ran into a sandbar a ways out from the beach.

"Ok then, CHAAAARGE!"

The doors opened, and just like that...

RATAATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT!!--!!

A long string of landing craft pulled up and unloaded their troops right into the withering fire of the toadmin weapons. After a moment the firing stopped.

Half of the soldiers in Doublenose's landing craft lay dead in the water. The Sergeant and the remaining troops were flattened up against the walls.

"Well this is just great!" spat the only blue pikmin in the craft.

"Ok, let's try this again," ordered Doublenose, loading his rifle. "CHAAAAARGE!"

RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!!11!!--!1!!

Several more pikmin immediately fell poleaxed in the water. Doublenose and the other survivors flattened back up against the wall.

"Ok, a wild charge won't work."

The soldiers nodded sagely.

"So grab a meat shield and get packin'!"

The soldiers cheered (well, the soldiers that weren't being used as living shields cheered, the others just screamed really loudly). Doublenose grabbed the only blue pikmin and held him in front of himself.

"What the--Hey!"

"CHAAAAAARGE!"

Out of the landing craft charged thousands upon thousands of pikmin who stormed across the beach! Withering fire tore through whatever they were using as a shield, leaving more than one pikmin holding the mangled pieces of an arm or a leg and splattered with blood.

"Aquatic asault!" roared a toadmin. "_Attaaaaack!!_"

"We need more blue pikmin!" screamed a good guy.

"But then it wouldn't be as _Dramatic_!! Fewer pikmin would _drown_!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Not anymore it isn't! _Attaaaaack_!!"

"Where's my arm?!"

"Ohmygod I've been blown in half!!"

"Teh humanities!"

"_Where's my arm?!_"

"Fire the Bottle Rockets!" an officer screamed, sending a rain of firey death (keep out of reach of small children) down on the toadmin!

"Roman Candle, get down!"

"Look out, Cherry Bomb!!"

BOOM!!

The pikmin managed to set up several firework stands, from which they handed the charging soldiers ammunition.

"Hey cool, a Black Kat!"

"Crap, I got Poppers _again_!"

"Make sure to aim for their eyes with those!"

The soldiers charged forward. Blood soaked the sand and churned it into a messy, muddy mess from which jutted arms and legs and stems at sharp angles.

"No mercy! Keep charging!" roared Doublenose, lighting a Roman Candle and firing it into a trench full of Toadmin.

"Aaaaiiee!" screamed the purplish mushroom pikmin as they exploded into millions of tiny bits and pieces (warning: choking hazard).

"I'm _melting_!!" screamed a red pikmin when a flamethrower popped up and sprayed him.

"Wait," said a yellow pikmin, "you're red, you can't burn!"

"Oh yeah, you're righ--" BOOM!!

"Oh no!" screamed a captain, pointing at the firework stands. "We're out of lighter fluid!"

It was true, all up and down the line the pikmin were faltering, unable to respond to the withering fire of advanced technology harnessed by the toadmin.

"Use the matches! Use the matches!"

"We're out of _matches!_"

"Fix bayonets!" roared Doublenose, pointing up the hill to a steel bunker from which sprouted countless machine-guns, turkeys and the occasional cow bladder (filled with grenades!).

"But we sold our bayonets to buy _flint!_" complained a purple pikmin.

"Then _use_ the flint!!"

"_USE THE FLINT!!_"

The Toadmin suddenly charged out of their trenches, apparantly having run out of ammunition as well. The two armies charged each other, flint and tinder in hand!!

scrape

scrape

scrape

..."Screw this."

"_Make peace!_"

The two armies pulled to a stop within mere inches of one another, reached out, shook hands, and made peace.

**This Short supported by****the Final Solution: CAKEPIE! Also comes in Piecake varieties. Check your local distributor. Wherever cakepies are sold!**

The crowd cheered and clapped and hooted and hollered some more. Steve bowed to the audience.

"Thank you, thank you. I'm sure this anti-war Short has changed your opinion against the terrible war in Qari, which is fought over oil and not--Hey!"

The tough looking tuxedo-wearing purple pikmin in the second row stormed up onto the stage and grabbed Steve under the armpits before dragging him out through a backdoor.

"No, my audience needs me! Hey, stop that! This is an expensive jack-aaah!"

The door slammed. Silence ensued.

Crickets chirped.

Tumbleweeds rolled.

I think you get the picture.

"This is terrible!" a green pikmin in the audience shouted. "I am called to fill in for our host!"

"Yes, yes," a bulbmin with a monocle replied, "The show must go on!"

The green pikmin, who had obviously been smoking, vaulted up onto the stage and collapsed into the stool, chest heaving. "O-ok, let's begin."

"I'm Gynax, I'll be your host from now on... Well, at least I hope.

"Anyway, our next short will not be the one I am starring in. It is actually about a very unfortunate pikmin... who has a lucky day!"

**It's my LuckY Day!**

A pikmin is walking through the park. Something catches his eye.

"Hey, a four-leafed Clover! It's my lucky day!"

The pikmin reaches down to pick up the Clover, when suddenly... A lawnmower runs over his hand!!

"Aaiieeee!"

The pikmin runs out into the middle of the street in panic, blood squirting from his mangled hand. "OMG, somebody help me!"

But then... An eighteen-wheeler runs him over!

(insert loud truck noise)(insert loud splat noise)

Amazingly the pikmin survives being struck by the massive vehicle... But lands on the railroad tracks!

(insert generic japanese scream)(insert sound of oncoming train)

The pikmin is struck by the train and thrown clear of the tracks, mangled body flip-flopping through the air... And then lands in the middle of the river!

"Agh! -blub- I can't swim!"

The pikmin is swept into the Sewage Treatment plant.

(insert terrible squelching and sucking noises)

The pikmin is shot out into the ocean. Amazingly, he still retains consciousness.

(insert water distorted voice and air bubbles)

Suddenly a shark comes out of nowhere and grabs the pikmin in its teeth! "Aaaagh!" The shark throws the pikmin into the inexplicably open mouth of a passing whale. ZOMG!

The whale shoots the pikmin out of its blowhole, out of the water, and up into the sky. "Waaaaaaaaaa..." The pikmin floats for a moment in middair.

"This is amazing, for some reason I'm still ali-"

A low-flying passenger plane slams into the pikmin, careens out of the sky, crashes into the Twin Towers, and erupts into a tremendous mushroom cloud.

(in China)

"Did you hear something?"

**Sponsored by Webdrink, the ONLY non-Apple product with more than 500 Megabytes storage capicity! Check with your doctor before drinking from Webdrink; may cause senility, loss of eyeballs, and leaf/bud/flower rot.**

The audience clapped and cheered wildly. Gynax stood up and took a bow.

"Wrote it myself!" he stated (as in deliberately lied).

After the clapping and yelling died down somewhat, Gynax continued.

"First we will take a look at a very funny ad... and then MY Story, Part 1!"

The curtain fell once again as the plasma screen tv came down in front of it. The audience fell silent...

**Spontaneous Combustion Hand!**

"Ok, I want a pony..."

_"That's one wish,"_ stated the genie pikmin.

"And then I want two ponies..."

_"That's two wishes," _exclaimed the genie pikmin.

"And..."

_"Stop! Hold it right there! If you say anything about ponies one more time, I will friggin' kill you!"_

"Um... ok... I want the... Spontaneous Combustion Hand!"

_"Done!"_

"Yay! Ok... ignite!"

**--Hand Explodes--**

"Neeeoooooooooo!!"

**Spontaneous Combustion Hand! Sold wherever items of questionable combustionity & safety are sold. Buy now!**

A few halfhearted claps and cheers. The audience's collective throat was getting a little raw.

Also, the ad was a low blow. Most of the audience had stocks invested in Spontaneous Combustion Hand.

"Ok, folks!" called Gynax as soon as the lights came back on and the curtains had parted. "We're up for yet another Short! This one--"

Suddenly the doors were flung open and the huge auditorium was flooded with light!

Gynax stared as a group of three stocky, red-mustachioed Scottish Pikmin swaggered into the auditorium, down to the second row, and plopped down in the seats formerly occupied by the Thug Purples. One of the Scots picked a bit of hagis out of his teeth and looked up at Gynax. The green pikmin noticed that they were all three a bit portly, and girded themselves in kilts.

"Oy, bonny!" the biggest Scot Pikmin yelled. "Give us a sheow!"

Gynax shrugged. "Don't got one." He lit a cigarette and took a long drag.

The Scots were furious. "Then ware's the hagis?! We wur proamised hagis!!"

Gynax shrugged again and puffed out a large cloud of smoke. "You must be confused. Are you--"

"Are yew callin' ME confused, yew lil... May I REMIND you that BUTT-KICKING is the national SPORT of Scotland?"

Gynax stared. "Really? I thought it was golf."

"Why yew lil'..." the Scot stopped when Gynax flicked his cigarette into his eye. "Arrgh! --insert bleeping here-- MY EYE!"

"Ok, you drunken skirt-wearing man-women," ordered Gynax, "I guess we'll let you stay, but only if you be quiet."

The Scots scratched at their red mustaches and beards, unsure of what to do. Probably had been hitting the scotch again.

"Ok, anyway, the next Short is called Pyromaniacle Displays, and I happen to star in it. Give it up, for ME!"

The curtains fell and the plasma screen tv was rolled out yet again. It was leaning heavily.

"Joey, fix that thing!" someone yelled from behind the curtain. There was the sound of muffled footsteps, somebody running up a staircase, and then a second later a pink pikmin appeared above the tv. The pikmin hastily shimmied down one of the two cables supporting the tv and moved to tighten it, when the Short started.

BLZAP!

"Aaaiieeee!" the audience screamed and cleared in the first three rows... except for the Scottish Pikmin, of course. And wouldn't you know, Joey pink just happened to choose them as his landing zone.

Unfortunately, one of the Scots survived, and seemed oblivious of the death of his compatriots and the body of the pink pikmin that now sprawled haphazardly in his lap.

"Give us a sheow, pony boy!!"

**Pyromaniacle Displays! Part 1**

A happy children's voice arose from the speakers, bubbly with laughter and innocence. The crowd "oohed" and "awed" affectionetely.

"This liddle pikmin builted a house out uf' straw," said the child's voice. A straw house with a happy pikmin in it appeared on screen. It suddenly caught fire and erupted into flames. The pikmin inside gave a short high-pitched scream and burst out the door, covered in flames.

The audience guffawed loudly as the pikmin rolled back and forth across the ground, attempting vainly to douse the flames, before throwing himself in a lake and drowning.

Despite this callous display of cold-blooded arseny, the child's voice continued happily. "This liddle pikmin builted a house of uf' sticks," it said.

A house reminiscent of a beaver dam appeared on screen. A blue pikmin waved out of a window.

"It got very cowld," giggled the child's voice.

The pikmin in the house of sticks leaned further out of the window and looked up at the sky. His eyes bulging, he dived back into the house. A thirty foot blanket of snow appeared out of nowhere, fell on the house, and crushed it flat. A muffled cry of agony somewhere in its depths could be heard. Then a hand appeared from the snow pile and the pikmin clawed its way out, cold and frozen.

"Then it got cowlder!" the child's voice said.

Another blanket of snow and ice fell on the pikmin, who gave a small groan that sounded like "not again!" before being smashed.

"But dis liddle pikmin," the voice stated, suddenly changing into a harsh and grating tone of an adult, "Built a bullet-proof compound of steel-reinforced bullet-proof concrete, hired an army of professional mercenaries, and installed machine-gun bunkers and nuclear missile silos."

A huge titanium, box-shaped base appeared, bristling with weaponry.

"And beneath it was Gynax and Duke, the pikmin resisitance's greatest commandoes..."

"This is a terrible idea," growled Duke, who could have passed himself off as the pikmin version of Duke Nukem (he was, actually) as he sharpened his machete with his fingernails.

"It's the best we've got," replied Gynax in his gravelly voice, checked black leather boots, jacket, pants and sunglasses (who wears black leather sunglasses?). He took another long draw from his cigarette and tested his flamethrower (Mr. Microwave) and other weapons of assorted doom and candy-boxes.

Duke sighed. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with." Reaching up, the hefty commando pikmin lifted the manhole cover up and out of its seat, before sliding it out of the way and climbing hastily through. Gynax followed, shoving Mr. Microwave through first. All around them were guards, guards and more guards, armed to the teeth and facing straight at the manhole.

"Looks like we've timed it right," muttered Duke darkly, whipping out his submachine gun. "Let's do this."

"Eat lead, infiltrators!" somebody screamed, and then everybody opened up.

Bullets flew every which way, pinging off lead pipes, steel crates, iron doors, fluffy bunnies, and sweaty commando muscles. Sparkety spark spark.

"Cheezy one-liners, bey-otch!" barked Gynax, a full-automatic-triple-barreled-sawn-off-belt-fed-heat-seeking-explosive-rounds-shotgun suddenly appearing in his hands. The green pikmin in black leather and the command pikmin in camo pants charged around the room, bullets flying like a maelstrom of maddened in-law spider monkies.

"You're just like my father-in-law!" yelled Duke, shooting a guard in the face point-blank as he popped up from behind a crate. Blood, brains and confetti splattered and fluttered about the room. "Old, cross-eyed and can't shoot worth spit! Hahaha!"

Gynax spun in all directions, blowing guards off boxes and through doors like nobody's-business with his shotgun. He ducked as a string of bullets sparked against the wall behind him. "This reminds me of my first date!" he snapped not-so-wittily. "Her chasing me around the room with the 9mm, me leaving a trail of grenades for her to follow..."

A guard stepped in the middle of aforementioned grenade and exploded into a million little bits with a girly scream. "Eeek!"

One of the guards took careful aim at Duke, lined up the sights with his state-of-the-art lazer scope, and held down the trigger until his magazine ran out. "That'll get him," he shouted! The guard gasped and did a double take.

Duke was outlined by bullet-holes, and still firing.

A guard captain walked up. "What's this... The Stormtrooper Syndrome? Damn! This must mean that we're nothing more than cheap fodder!" Gynax torched him with his flamethrower.

"But... but... it can't be! The STORMTROOPER SYNDROME! Aaaagh!" The first guard pulled out a pistol and shot himself dead on the spot.

Suddenly Gynax and Duke went into bullet time! One of the guards had an HMG aimed at them. A cloud of bullets was coming slowly, very slowly, towards the Commandoes. Gynax grabbed a handful and flung them back at the machine-gun, exploding it into a million tiny bits vaguely resembling the explosion of several Black Kat firecrackers...

A guard stepped towards Duke. "I'm one of the best-trained soldiers in the world, and I've got this big battleaxe!"

He held up a pink squeakytoy in the shape of a heart with a string of laffy-taffy for a handle. It flopped over in his hands and neatly decapitated his fingers.

"Argh!" the guard stepped forward, right into Duke's swinging range! The machete lashed out, slicing neatly through the guard's ribs and backbone. The guard's upper body did a neat twist, like a two-part door when the upper part is opened first, and fell polaxed a midst a box of kittens.

Suddenly Gynax spotted a big, conspicous looking box in the middle of the compound with the words "This is not important!" scrawled all over it in crayon.

"This is convenient," he grunted, spraying wildly with Mr. Microwave. "Come on, Duke, let's blow this joint!"

--Meanwhile, in some Chief Executive's Office--

"Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!!"

Wrong blown joint, btw. D:)

--Meanwhile, back on the Ranch--

"Ride 'em doggies!"

In joke...

--Back to the Story--

Our two action heroes deflected bullets and slaughtered their way (excessively quickly) to the big box and opened it.

"Hey, it's a note." Gynax reached in to grab it, unwittingly avoiding the rocket propelled grenade that had been fired just a second before. The rocket crashed into a wall and started red alarm lights and horns wailing.

"What does it say?" asked Duke, macheteing a taco pikmin in half.

"Bueno!" screamed the taco pikmin, and fell dead.

"It says... _'Sorry but our Princess is in Another Castle??'_"

The Commandoes noticed that the alarms were blaring, the compounded had turned red with strobe lights and the Enemy Headquarter's Mandatory Big Blast Door was closing slowly in the distance.

"Let's go!" yelled Duke, hopping over mountainous mountains of dead bodies that had been piled into... well, mountains.

"Andale!" squeaked Speedy Gonzales.

The pace crawled to an excrutiating Baywatch scene as our heroes slo-mo dashed through the enemy base, hurdling the odd body and crate as fuses popped and power boxes shot sparks everywhere (for some inexplicable reason).

Finally the Heroes reached the door. Duke went first, ducking under easily. But Gynax was weighed down by Mr. Microwave (the flamethrower, if you've forgotten) and the fact that he'd been chain-smoking for thirty years straight. He reached the Blast Door and slid under.

BONK!

...Unceremoniously slamming his forehead into it at the same time.

"Groan..." moaned the green pikmin, crawling under the door before realizing he'd dropped Mr. Microwave on the other side. Gynax quickly reached under the door and retrieved his weapon.

At that very instant, the Blast Door suddenly realized that it was time to do it's job for once and actually CLOSE when it was supposed to.

SMASH! CRUNCH! "Aaiaiaiiae!!"

Duke turned around to see Gynax, his arm trapped up to the shoulder under the door, smoking furiously on a Camel cigarette.

**This message supported by Hilary Clinton, Barrack Obama, Osama Bin Laden, and Bill Crosby. Do you REALLY want to see these people in office?**

The audience went absolutely wild!

Well, as wild as they could get now that half of them were asleep, a good portion were playing poker beneath the seats, and more than one was ticking off the seconds on his toes.

Gynax bowed graciously.

"Thank you, ladies and germs!"

There was no applause.

But crickets did chirp!

"Ah well," Gynax shrugged. "I'll be, ah... how you say... taking a 'smoke break'."

Scotty Boy down in the second row hooted and hollered. "Gew awn laddie! Yew've erned it!"

"Shut up, skirt-man!" Gynax produced a 22mm from his back pocket and shot the pikmin dead.

"My spleen!"

Mostly dead.

The green pikmin turned on his heel and walked off the stage, hopped down into the front row, jogged up the steps, and disappeared into the lobby. Needless to say, he was wheezing loudly about halfway through the process (nobody really knows if he actually made it outside, either).

The audience began to pack up and was just about to leave, when suddenly...

BOOM!!

A huge hole opened up in the ceiling! A large, rounded spacecraft was stuck nosefirst through the building! The nose opened up, depositing...

A spaceman.

A small spaceman.

A small, _fat_ spaceman.

"Ready the cannons, Quazo!"

Not that spaceman.

CAPTAIN OLIMAR!

All of a sudden the audience couldn't wake up fast enough or grab a seat fast enough. The Hocotain bowed gracefully, despite the fact that his suit split at the seams when he did so.

"I have heard you are in need of a Host for his wonderful event, am I right?"

The crowd cheered.

"Great! Because I need all of you to repair my ship for me while I sit helplessly by unable to do a dadburn thing!"

Crickets chirped especially loud.

"Booh!" yelled somebody in the back row.

"Who said that?!"

"I did!" responded what appeared to be a black pikmin (in this light it was hard to tell; could have been a walrus). Well, that doesn't really matter, because Olimar pulled out a Nova Blaster and blew him (and a good portion of the audience) out the back door.

"Well, that's settled," chuckled the Captain. "Dolphin! Set up the Video!"

"_Yez zir Captayne._"

The curtains fell and the big Tv came down. It was listing heavily to one side, supported by a heavily frayed cable. The audience went deathly quiet...

**The Great Rambolimar!**

In the great South Nacirema jungles (also known as Urep), the cocaine dealing terrorist pikmin had a base.

A big base.

With guns.

And cocaine.

Lots of cocaine.

Lots.

Whole lots.

But there was a man... who would stop them... and his name was...

Rambolimar!

The head-band wearing Hocotain crept through the thick (and wet) foliage, hunting bow in one hand an explosive-tipped bullet in the other.

Why he would carry an explosive bullet with his bow is unfathomable.

There were two guards up ahead.

"Your wife is great, man!"

"I know, but she can cook, she loves me, _and_ she's got the greatest leaf."

"Are those pictures of your kids?"

"Yeah, this is Rico, he's 2, and this is Jose, he's 1, and this is..."

An arrow came out of nowhere and embedded itself in the family guard's throat. He gave an odd gurgle and sprawled on the ground.

"Holy crap!" screamed the second guard, throwing himself to the ground. "Don't kill me, I still haven't payed off my college tuition and my fiance is preg--"

A boot to the face hastily solved that problem.

Rambolimar tightened his headband and worked his way further through the jungle. Suddenly he heard voices, and produced a large machete (that's the thing about action heroes, they always have such big pockets).

It was a tree house. Two guards sat in it, smoking cigarettes. They were both, of course red pikmin, but for some strange reason carried AK-47s (built by Future Nerf!).

The sign on the tree house read: "No gurl pickmen Alowd!!1"

Well, Rambolimar wasn't a gurl pickmen.

He was a vicious, cold-blooded MURDERER!

With a big flowery flower on his head.

Must've been the Bad-Ending-Olimar from Pikmin 1...

--

Rambolimar crept slowly through the rain-drenched enemy camp, skirting crude cabins and funk-smelling guards as he went.

Meanwhile, up in a nearby guard tower...

"Hey Ming, how's the torture going?"

"It's going great, Lao Che! Here, let me take your spot. There's not an Ancirema for miles."

"You mean American, right?"

"Not enough cyllables."

Meanwhile, in the torture hut...

"You might as well talk, Steve! Nobody's coming to rescue you!"

As a matter of fact... but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

"I'll never talk, you slit-eyed flower-brains!"

The slit-eyed flower-brains in question all hooked their thumbs at a nearby wall.

"Remember Bob? That's what we did to HIM! By the end, he was practically BEGGING to talk!"

"Did he?"

"No."

"Thank God!"

"Just kidding! He told us everything. Now look at him!!"

Steve (who was an American-drawn pikmin, of course, and one tied to a chair at that) turned to the far wall and gasped. A second pikmin hung from the wall, a smiley-face gag in mouth, x's drawn over his eyes, and a few other unmentionable things (including but not limited to a razor-sharp Pacman attached to his ass).

"OMG THAT'S TERRIBLE!"

The Korean Pikmin laughed wildly and made stupid in-jokes. Finally one of them turned to a table nearby and pulled the heavy table-cloth off it. Steve gasped.

"I like to call this one the ball-massager," chuckled the pikmin, holding up a rusty monkey wrench. He put it back on the table and reached for a second implement.

"This one we call the ball-remover!" the pikmin held up a large electric screw-driver and gave it a few spins for good measure. He replaced it on the table and selected the last instrument...

"And my personal favorite... the STICK!"

Steve screamed in a girly fashion.

"Mwahahahahahah!"

Meanwhile, in a coke can...

Echo

Echo

Echo

Echo

Ohce

Ehco

Heoc

Echo

Ceoh

Echo

Meanwhile, with Rambolimar...

The super-tough Hocotain on steroids drew back his bow and readied to shoot a guard from behind.

Suddenly a twig snapped! Why? I don't know.

The guard in the spotlight tower (Lao Che, if you were paying attention and happen to remember names like that) swung the spotling around and trained it directly on Rambolimar.

"Hmm" Lao Che leaned over the spotlight to get a closer look.

THUNK!

"My eye!" --generic japenese scream--

Twhump (sound made by falling pikmin that have hit the ground)!!

Rambolimar continued calmly on.

After making a pit-stop to slit a snoring guard's throat, of course.

...

CRASH! Rambolimar kicked down the door of the torture hut and stepped inside, picked off two guards with throwing knives, broke another guard's neck, selected an arrow, nocked it to his bow, pulled it back, and trained it on the last guard, and that's not even including the short break he took to scratch his gigantic nose!

"Freehze, bub."

The last Guard (who was standing next to the Steve) pulled out a large knife. "Watch it buddy! I'll put my pigsticker in him!"

Rambolimar snorted and pulled the arrow back a bit farther. "Are you kidding? My toothpick is bigger than that!" He pulled out a massive K-Bar standard-issue US Marine knife (with serrated edge!). "See?"

The Guard gasped, then shook his head and pulled his knife back for a killing blow (to Steve, of course). The American pikmin screamed.

THUNK!

The Guard stood, knife held over his head in mid-stab, trying for all his worth to look at the arrow in his forehead. Then his eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped (agonizingly slowly) forward.

STAB!

On the way down he managed to embed the knife in Steve's groin.

Steve screamed louder.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"Ooh," stated Rambolimar. "That muhst hurht. Lemme help ya'."

Ignoring the neverending screams of Steve, Rambolimar gripped the knife by teh (TEH!) handle and yanked it out with a slurching sound.

"AAAAAAAAGGGHHHH--UuuuUuuauruAuRgggkkkkk...--Gasp--EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

"Oohps."

_Five minutes later, one hasty dose of pain medication and 40 stitches later..._

"Awhright, ya' ready?"

Steve nodded his head and responded in a somewhat manly voice, "As ready as I'll ever be! Let's get out of this hell-hole. It's worse than movie-licensed game remakes..."

Our action hero and POW burst out of the cabin, an HMG in the hands of the former and a pistol in the hands of the other.

That and a bundle of antiseptic.

Nut wounds hurt, you know.

Especially pikmin nut wounds.

Like, OUCH.

Totally.

Anyway... To put it bluntly, let's just say that our heroes absolutely slaughtered the Korean pikmin (we're sorry! It's our fault you were driven to violence... pshaw, yah right!), dashed all the way to a nearby truck, started it up, and drove off.

Pursued by bloodthirsty, vengeful pikmin of course.

--

_USELESS FLASHBACK!!_

"I wanna go home, I wanna go home! I wanna drive my car! Waaaagh!"

"I cahn't find youhr lehgs! I cahn't find youhr lehgs!"

"Gurk..."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!... -sob-"

_FLASHBACK OVER!!_

--

_Five hours later, after Rescuing Steve Teh POW..._

The truck roared through the jungle, plowing through old trails and overgrown dirt roads like a Caterpillar out of hell!

In the back Rambolimar fired arrow after arrow into the tires of the pursueing Nacixem Pikmin soldiers.

"Andale!" a pikmin yelled, shortly before his truck veered off the road, crashed into a tree, and exploded in a million little pieces of steel (flat tires; it's a love/hate relationship... mostly hate).

Bullets sprayed back and forth. Rambolimar brought down a helicopter with his bow (he used explosive arrows, you dumb twit!), and then suddenly... they came to a bridge!

A sign read: "Warning! This bridge down for repairs!"

"Just like every other bridge in an action movie!" growled Rambolimar, switching to a triple-chaingun, which effectively leveled thirty acres of jungle in all directions and mowed through truck after truck after truck after... I think you get the point.

"Gun it!"

The truck hit the edge of the bridge and flew through the air... Time seemed to slow... The truck neared the edge...

CRASH!

Oh no!

They made it.

Crap.

--

_A good time later, in a bar, in a town, in a state, in a country..._

Rambolimar and Steve sat in the bar, taking heavy swigs from bottles (it's rootbeer, darn y'all!) and taking long drags from cigarettes (it's a cancer stick, darn y'all!) while simultaneously talking to the good-looking barpikmin (it's rated 'E', darn y'all!).

"Sehquel?"

"Yup."

"Tohtally."

All in all, it had been a good day.

Well, that depends on how much story went into the movie, the stupid amount of action, the fact that the good guy was invincible and omni-present, and all his problems were easily solved with a little pyrotechnics or gunfire.

So yeah, pretty good.

Scratch that.

REALLY good.

**This Short is in no way meant to make fun of Action Movies... it's meant to DESTROY Action Movies! In your FACE, Hollywood! MWAHHAHAA!**

The audience shifted through their popcorn for dropped watches, flipped out cellphones, and filed towards the exits.

"Stop!" commanded Olimar. "I command you to stop!"

The pikmin turned and went back to their seats. "Why can't we control you? That would make a good game!"

"No," replied Olimar, "You're thinking of my twin brother Ramilo; the mikpik control him! oOOoohHh..."

Suddenly the stage beneath the Captain's feet creaked and shifted.

"Oh no! I knew I should have sampled less of those edible Treasures!"

CRASH!

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhh..."

Thump

The crowd sat in shocked silence, gaping at the large open hole in the stage that Olimar had created with his considerable girth.

Suddenly a group of actors walked onstage. Needless to say, all were pikmin (this IS a pikmin fanfic, after all).

They looked around the stage.

"Where is everybody? Did we miss something?"

"I knew we shouldn't have stayed in Wisconsin for drinks!"

"Hey buddy, you were the one who came UP with the idea in the FIRST place!"

Suddenly realizing that the audience (or remainder thereof) was staring disinterestedly at them, the actors shut their traps.

"Where's the host?"

The audience shrugged collectively.

Hastily the actors held a quick conference, and then turned back around.

"Ok, since all the other Shorts have been shown, here is (last but certainly not least)... 300!" the actor who was speaking made a gallant pose.

The Tv suddenly fell from the rafters and landed with an earsplitting crash in the first ten rows, making pancake-pikmin out of anybody that happened to be sitting there.

Needless to say, not much happened.

The actor dropped his gallant pose. "Well, crap. I guess we all know what this means?"

"We can finally go home to our Onions and Wives?"

"No!"

"Drat."

"No, we will just have to... Reenact the Short as a PLAY!"

The audience groaned. A white pikmin stumbled up on stage and pulled out a gun.

"Why God, why?" he shot himself dead and toppled into the large hole at the center of the stage.

"Nice," stated one actor, a purple pikmin, "But this is 300, not Shakespeare. We can't go about having another Hamlet on our..."

"He said it!" screamed one of the actors. "He said the name of the play-that-must-not-be-named!"

"WTH?! Is this some cheap Harry Potter ripoff, because if so, then I'm not laughing."

The actor replied by diving headfirst into the hole.

"Well then," stated another actor, ripping off his pantsuit and revealing his red tightey-whiteys beneath, "Let's break a leg!"

CRACK!

"My leg, oh my god my leg, my leg! AAAAAAGH!"

The pikmin wearing tightey-whiteys whistled innocently and wrapped a cloak around his shoulders, before taking a football helmet and depositing it on his head (it did not quite reach his scalp, however, and sat about two inches above his head supported by his stem).

"Spartans!"

The other actors had by now got into costume and were holding assorted dinner trays, paint palates, and trash-can lids, as well as broomsticks, rakes and garden hoses (wait, what?).

"Prepare for battle!"

A white pikmin gave a whimpy cry and raised his shield and stick.

Suddenly a huge horde of black-armored pikmin with dandelion puffs supported by their stems marched onto the stage. A pikmin holding a number of skulls attached to a chain marched forward. The leading actor, we'll call him Gregory (no, not you!), walked forward to meet him.

"Gve us ur lnd!" ordered the evil pikmin.

"Never," responded the actor in a flat, monotonous voice (who can blame him? Nobody can act without a cup of coffee and a box of donuts in the morning, twenty pounds of liberally applied makeup, and the dubbing of his voice in post-production to make it sound like he was actually talking). Long winded explanation notwithstanding, his acting sucked, simple as that.

"We will paint ourselves red with your blood then stab wildly at air with spears."

"Gv us ur lnd, jckss!"

"Earth and water, eat it all!"

The Spartan pikmin reached out and shoved the evil pikmin into the hole.

"We wll mete agnnnnn..."

Thump

The bad guys charged.

The good guys charged.

The audience watched with vague interest!

Actually, hold on, we skipped something important.

"Where are the 300 soldiers I asked for? There are only 30 here!"

"We had a little... trouble. Only a few of us could get through customs. The rest will be here in about... 3 years."

"That bad huh?"

"Oh yeah. Those security guards are getting gayer and gayer every week. In 3 weeks, they'll be super-gay!"

"What's with all these numbers with '3' in them?"

"It's a pikmin-based parody of 300. The number '3' is practically all you CAN use."

"Well that would explain it then."

Ok, with that out of the way, let's move on to the battle.

The leading actor held his flimsy cardboard shield and broomhandle in front of himself. "This where we earn _power and glory!_"

"Yay!"

"This is where_ they_ eat our tacos!"

"What, what??"

"_For the Bueno!!_"

"For the Bueno!"

"Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!!"

The actors charged forward... only to be met by professional stuntmen in full armor and heavy recreated ancient swords.

It was a slaughterfest!

Vaguely reminscent of _Fight Club_.

Gratitious violence!

Also, there was the small matter of the grenade.

"It's a grenade!"

"Hit the dirt, take cover, red alert, mayday, mayday!"

"We're going down!"

"Throw it back!"

"No, you throw it back!"

"Do you see me picking up a live grenade?"

"Noo..."

"Then YOU do--!!"

BOOM!!

"Oh no, its _superior weapons technology!_"

"Run away!"

"Shrapnel!"

"My eyes!"

"My legs!"

"My weenus!"

OO

"...elbow."

Finally the Spartan actors gave up and ran across the stage.

"Run away!"

"Tactical retreat, sir?"

"The PROPER term for 'Scared #!tless.'"

However, the stuntmen army got bored about halfway across the stage and went out for a lunch break.

Damn them, we were just getting to the good part.

Elated, the actor pikmin all linked hands and danced across the stage, singing songs that had absolutely nothing to do with the events at hand.

"Your father was a horse, your mother was a cow, your uncle was a chicken, and'a look at you'a now!"

Dancing across the stage in a line facing the audience, the actors filed one by one into the big gaping Abyss at center stage. One by one by one by one... The sound of their awful acting died away.

To be replaced by...

"What's all this?" asked Hans, dropping in from a random plothole and scratching his manly pikmin chin.

"_End uv day; liftoff!_" The Dolphin rocketed into the wild blue yonder... or at least tried to. It was kinda pointing straight down at the stage, and so... well, I think you get the point.

(insert gigantic mushroom cloud)

(insert pikmin)

(you've got a decent fanfic!)

(dudahahaaduuuda!)

--

**Thank you very much! Edits probably coming soon.**

**R&R (I see you there! anybody can review)**


	8. It's OVER 9,000 eleventyone11

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Pikmin.**

**Hello. It is I, Great Thumbs of Wisdom, master of pikfics and all manner of related garbage. And this, my thralls, is the preview for the newest and greatest chapter of P:TotE yet! Except this time, it's OVER 9,000!!1**

**It will have peril! Oh yes, the peril...**

_"You fool! You've doomed us all!"_

_"Well, how was I supposed to know that... woah, deja vu!"_

**It will have conflict!**

_"Why do I have the feeling we've passed this very plot element three times before?"_

_"We're in a fanfic. It's full of similiar-looking plot elements!"_

**Owls!!**

_"O RLY?"_

**lolCats!!**

_"Kitten kills you!!1!"_

**Russian Reversals!!**

_"America is so great. In this country, you reverse russian. In old country, russian reverse you!"_

**An Intermission!!**

_"Sequels are so great."_

_"Shh! This is not supposed to be a--"_

_"Hey, what happened to all the popcorn?"_

**It will have FANMAIL!**

_"Send yours now!"_

_"Or the Hocotain gets it!"_

**Moar Undead!!eleventyone11**

_"I feel somewhat cheated."_

_"I know, right?"_

_"I wished for imortality, damnit! I want a refund!"_

**And even... MOAR SONG AND DANCE!!1!1Q111poptarts!!11q11quesidillas!11!11mushrooms!!11**

_"It's like a Disney movie, but without all the great reviews!!"_

**All of this adds up to... the GREATEST COMEDY CHAPTER OF ALL TIME AGAIN!**

**Stay tuned... AGAIN!**


	9. EPIC CHAPTER TITLE

Despite the free fall through three layers of atmosphere, the spacecraft was holding up remarkably well. Only three of its four engines had exploded into enormous balls of flesh-melting fire.

Careening through the clouds with a black trail of smoke, the craft began to spin end over end like a stick hurled from the hand of a five year old child, picking up momentum as it went until it seemed as if it would fling off its outer skin. The nauseating descent quickened now that the air-resistance flaps had no wind to grab.

Hurtling faster, faster, the ship's final engine exploded in a shocking display of why nuclear fuel cells had been outlawed by the Food & Drug Administration since the Lightspeed Age. Some of the shiny outer skin, still glowing red hot from re-entry, peeled off and shot away, flopping around in the sky like a falling snake. Inside the now-exposed cabin, the red mess that had been the co-pilot (as he had not been wearing his seatbelt) was sucked off the walls by the sudden decompression. The pilot, who _had _been wearing his seatbelt, continued to let out a long and useless scream as the g-force turned his eyelids inside out. Unable to blink, he could only watch the ocean rising up like an enormous blue hand to slap him into oblivion.

Now, with a hull-shattering crash that burst the cockpit and sent the contents of the dashboard into the cargo hold, the ship finally came to a crash. The pilot, eyes still wide open, was impaled on the anachronistic steering column, exploded out through the upended bottom of the craft and immediately disintegrated from the force of impact. The cylindrical craft crumpled like an unwanted Mountain Dew can, parts and components flying in all directions to dance across the surface of the water like cartwheeling ice-skaters.

Not far away, a pikmin of a most curious shade of black watched the events of the fatal crash from the safety of a white sand beach. He smiled a wicked smile, using his eyes instead of his nonexistant lips, making him appear distinctly Chinese. This was somewhat of a contradiction, as he was actually Canadian.

"Looks like this fanfiction..." he began in a bookish voice as a pair of dark sunglasses slowly descended from the sky to land on his face. "...is back in business."

The sunglasses slid slowly past the black pikmin's dandelion puff, which crowned the slender slim sprouting from his head, until they reached his brow. He watched the crumpled wreckage of the ship sink beneath the ocean waves like a child watching the family cat succumb to a shallow swimming pool. Oily black smoke drifted toward him on the wind, bringing embers that had once been the worldly possessions of the pilots. Still burning, the mass of metal only disappeared when the words "Hocotate Freight" had bubbled and peeled off with the last of the ship's outer skin.

The black pikmin turned to the audience and assumed a dynamic Fukkireta pose. The sunglasses settled on the nonexistant bridge of his invisible nose.

"If Duke Nukem Forever can do it... so can we."

-

**YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!**

**It's been more than two years since I updated this story. That ends today.**

**Tell your friends. _Tales of the Extreme_ is BACK.**


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